Saturday. 2.19.05 10:49 am
So this past week Katie has been dealing with guy trouble... again. This time it is Big B who has fallen head over heels (just like Jared) and after the other night of Ghost Riders where he just started kissing her face and everything.. things got worse bc she is just not interested in him like that. But of course like any NICE guy, he won't take that for an answer, and believes that he can wait around for her to change her mind, that she is the one. However, that is a lost cause cuz Katie is not changing her mind and never will... there is a certain amount to be said about physical attractiveness/chemistry b/w ppl and when u don't have either... and that brings me to my next point of topic...
Lasst night no one was around, so after I went to see National Treasure (highly over rated) with Ash I came back to no one to talk to and I got kinda down about that cuz I really thrive off of human interaction, even if it is jsut talking. I wasn't in need of some new self discovery where solitude would aid me nor was I upset previously where I needed "my space" Then I see someone log on, and we have talked on occasion since he thought of coming to SRU next year, but instead he is set on going to Temple. The first time we talked online it was about SRU and apologies.. for just things went b/w us the past two years. I remember I moved to Hershey junior year and he was in my first chem class then my study hall and being bold as he is started talking to me one day and then for some reason I got the idea in my head that he was stalking me... and then other ppl started saying how weird he was, how much of an ass he was and so being new, shy, I got that idea stuck in my head too... for 2 years I thought like that and it wasn't until I was confident enough in my own enviornment during my senior year when I realized that ppl's judgement of him was uncalled for... not that I knew the things I know about him now, but I just had a sense that he wasn't creepy or weird, he was just not socially like all of us... and that could be due to a lot of things, which after talking to him this year, I realized there is a lot under the skin of someone, a lot of stories, a lot of depth, a lot of com[assion that most ppl choose to not see or not bother to ask. Some of that is due to the fact that he has learned to keep ppl far away, guard himself, and put up this front.. but like everyone i know he has desires, physical, emotional, mental desires. Just like everyone he is captivated by the power of love and wishes to experience that himself with someone else. Whenever I talk to him about anything going on in my "love life" (wow i hate that phrase) he always inspires me to new heights.. just his honest appreciationa nd admiration for love. Maybe it is hopeless romantisicm, maybe it is naivity, but still,...it is compassionate.
So last nite throughout my boredom and loneliness he kept me company from 9:30ish till 1am talking about relationships, ourselves.... and I have to say, I was stunned at some points of the conversation. I mean, I have NEVER had anyone come up to me later and say, "hey I liked u for the longest freakin time". But then again I barely would give him the time of day... and I am ashamed for that. Why did I act that way? Cuz I was immature, afraid of social image, and just stupidly caught off guard by the attention he seemed to give to me. The thing that amazes me is that he forgave me for all of that, for acting like he barely existed for two years. Near the end of senior year I did stand up for him tho to an extent so at least I could say that much. But yea, I dunno.... how I feel. I mean with all this stuff going on in regards to Katie I got to thinking... why do we like certain ppl enough to date them versus all of the rejections we hand out to others? I never thought that I actually had the opportunity to even reject anyone cuz I never thought anyone seriously liked me like that EVER, then Tom would tell me that that was preposterous and then that korean baby dude Dave came along this year who really.... last night I had to apologize to him too. and I think I did in my own way. He is like Carlos was in high school. He is the one that everyone calls a stalking freak, a rapist, blah blah blah... but really he's just socially akward but for some weird reason, would give or do some extreme things to get me to go on a date with him. He's nice, so why wince when he asks for the time of day? I mean is that fair? I don't want to be some girl who is a bitch and puts down ppl who potentially are very deep and amazing, even if it is just to be friends. I mean last night Dave called me a heart breaker, and I never even went out with him. I asked Carlos if he qualified me as being a bitch cuz he said asian sterotype is either quiet or bitchy... and this is what he said.
meggyo86 (11:38:32 PM): was i bitchy?
c: Um...
c:There was one point...
c:But I understand.
meggyo86 (11:39:09 PM): :-(i'm sorry
meggyo86 (11:39:20 PM): i said.. i was caught off guard
c:I know. It's okay.
c: In the long run, it's alright.
c: It always is.
meggyo86 (11:40:01 PM): *nod*
c:See, the way I figure, that one moment would have never made these moments as important as they are.
c:I mean, I see you now as someone whom I discovered only after they left.
c:And that's important to me.
c:Because it reminds me of the good people I never met.
meggyo86 (11:41:47 PM): wow
meggyo86 (11:42:08 PM): that means a lot to me
... got to get back to work.... that's all for now.
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