I need some alone time.. so maybe the fact that I am either not talking to my friends right now or they are out of town... is a good thing, well it is never a good thing to not be talking to those u care about, but I can't do anything about it anymore, I need to stop worrying so much and trying to fix things. I need to care less and let ppl handle and figure their own arguments in their heads out. I don't need to be perfect for everyone. I don't need to please anyone but myself. I don't need to save everyone all the time. I need to get away. I never thought I would hate high school so much. I can't express how much this is killing me, all the shit I have had to deal with is so overwhelming and I can';t even look back and see distinct lines anymore. All that I can tell is that I lost something very important. I lost the ability to trust. Not completely but almost. I keep getting stabbed in the back and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Now I understand why those isolate themselves and can't trust anyone. I am turning into one of those ppl. I need to talk to my mom, let it all out. She really wants to help and she knows that something is troubling me. She offered that I go see someone and talk to them about it today.... I must be really bad. I wanted to talk to her about it when she asked but I just don't know what to say. It used to be that I had no reason to be "not myself" but now that I do have a reason, I am more myself than I was without a reason.... does that make sense? Maybe I go looking for it, asking for it... subconciously... dang that is sick. So far I have found a few souls who really have been extraordianry, Tom, Court, David W (except in regaurds to one person) and Keith. and those are the ppl who keep me going. NO one listens anymore. Even my rents. Everyone talks, but no one listens, except to what they want to hear. I used to give advise, and this year I have had so many issues I just keep waving around and my own advise comes back at me. I feel horrible for that. keep bothering everyone. I never thought I could hate school so much, or hate people so much... not hate, bc hate is a strong word, but very strongly dislike. I need to get away, I wish I could drive... cuz I would be driving to MA yesturday.

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