lucidblur's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

An action taken only for the fact of it being honorable is not only dishonorable in itself and selfish, but is usually commited out of egotism.

Of course, my theory can't be applied to every action, but can be in the reasoning of them. Saving a baby from a burning building is what I'm using for an example. Rescuing a baby to save a life is one thing, but doing so to glorify yourself is another. Those who say they are just "compelled" to do what's "right" but have no feeling about it, usually are only thinking of what's right by most others and what will bring them the most gratifying attention.

I apply my theory to actions also not taken. My favorite example! If you are commited to a relationship, yet desire other people in any way, refusing others may be righteous in one respect, but it does not necessarily make you a loyal person. Physically, you are, but your heart isn't. Lying and denying? Not speaking of those sort of feelings is even more disgusting to me, but making this sort of "loyality" apparent by being honest and open about other desires, to an unwise one, is respectable. Why? I wouldn't know because I'm not one of the unwise.

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Anywho. I watched part of Brown Sugar last night. Yeah, me watching BET? haha. I actually liked it and I think James would enjoy it, too.

So James is speaking of "hooking up" his car by putting rims and a body kit on it and a whole bunch of other things. It's stuff like that that makes me second guess him. He couldn't even save money to buy that car himself - his grandmother had to co-sign for it - and he's comtemplating paying for unnecessary alterations to his vehicle?

I know to be a good girlfriend, I should be supportive, but it's hard to be supportive of things that are so superficial when he could be putting it toward something he needs. I think the job he's getting now is wonderful and definitely better than my own, but he could be investing in a way to get him a better job than working at a Blimpie for the rest of his life. I mean, it wouldn't be horrible to do so, but I think he's capable of so much more.

I don't know what goes on in his head, sometimes. It seems like the sort of boldness and wishy-washy thoughts of bi-polar people. He may be getting $400 a week, but I just can't understand what makes him think that that means he can go through college, put Brian through college, buy homes and rent them out, pay his own rent and regular bills, open other Blimpie stores, and before I told him about my aunt giving me a car, he said he was planning on buying me one. $20,000 a year really isn't that much.

To clarify: when I say that I second-guess him, I don't mean my love for him; that's not something I doubt at all. I'm just wary of whether we could ever have a really serious relationship. Maybe I shouldn't be one to say this, but I like really level-headed people. It's hard to fully put trust into someone who could potentially screw up my progress, too. I mean, it has already happened plenty of times already. It's something I really wish would change. I mean, I wish James could think more clearly and more logically. Sure, I'm too logical at times, but money is definitely something that is meant to be thought of logically more than anything and not in a fairy-tale sort of way.

I don't think James is childish, but I don't think he has a grip on what he wants to do and I think he's at the age where he needs to have somewhat of a clue. I know we aren't husband and wife yet, so I guess it's not my place to get upset about it, but it also concerns me because of his own future. I may not have an exact plan, but I know that I want to go to college which is more than James'. Over the last two years he has said that he's going to college, then turned around and said he's not going many times. He's twenty-three now and I think it'd be beneficial if he'd sit down and seriously and realistically think about it. It'd also be beneficial for the sake of us and what we both want in the end.

Ahh. There is another potential problem that I've spotted between James. I'm a little embarassed to even bring it up to him, which is surprising because I'm usually fine with talking to him about anything. I'm not sure of what I want to say about it because I'm unsure of how to fix this potential problem. It was brought to my attention by a certain friend of mine.

We're equal and I always want us to feel that way.

h0li sh33t! (h1ck3n n dumpl1nz! m3 g0 eet n0w.