lucidblur's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

I'm in love with James Perry.

There. I said it. Apparently, he has known this for a long time. There's a chance that I always have been in love with him.

The whole date-with-the-girl thing was straightened out. He didn't see her. He said he couldn't do it. I believe him. I'm just hurt that he didn't tell me about it at all. I do question very slightly now how he feels. That doesn't change what I feel, though.

You know what else doesn't change what I feel? Whether I want to be with him or not. Something that should be as clear as a summer's day to me, wasn't because of the way I looked it at. I've realized something now. Whether or not a relationship can work between two people, does not change feelings.

I knew I had to tell him that I love him yesterday, but it'd been about a year and a half since I had and I didn't know how to approach the matter. The first time I attempted I said to him that I wanted to tell him something, then said to nevermind it. Then he said, "I knew what you were going to say, anyway." I asked him what he thought and he said, "That you love me" and laughed in a yeah, right sort of way. I paused. hehe

I went out while talking to James on my cell and talked to him again when I got home. I kept telling him I had to tell him something. He was dying to know what. To make it easier to say, I joked and told him that he wouldn't like what I had to say. He goes, "Oh great, the Josh guy is coming to see you, isn't he?" I didn't give a answer. He started getting angry. We went back and forth for a while.

Yelling. "Will you just tell me what the hell it is?"

Sarcasticly. "Well, what do you think it is?"

More annoyed. "I don't know! Tell me!"

Straightforwardly. "I love you."

[Ten very long seconds of silence]

In a weak voice. "I love you too, baby."

Yeah, he was stunned. Didn't seemed surprised enough to have a heart-attack, though.

Things have only been better since. James asked me about ten times today if I would be his girlfriend, though. Like, I've said: just because you love someone doesn't mean you want to be with him. In my case, I love James, but I don't know if I could be with him because of how he makes me feel sometimes; I'm afraid of him getting into the same cycle of treating me bad while he has me reeled in and not caring until I'm ready to walk away again. I don't feel you should have to give a person a reason to love you - not at all, but I do believe you should give reasons to make that person want a relationship with you. I whole-heartedly believe this. It takes more than love to make a relationship work - it really does.

I do want to be with James.

I didn't answer him. Something I've been hearing a lot of lately was repeated by James. He said that we pretty much are a couple because of how we act. We just don't have the titles. A title is just a title. We have more than that and definitely more than typical pet name-calling and gift-exchanging routine acts of a couple. We never really have been that way. I think what makes us that way is us planning our futures - separate and together - and helping each other... I'm going to stop there because I could go on and on. It's just a fact that me and James act like husband and wife in many, many ways. We've grown together.

It feels good to know it's real, though. It's never felt this real before. I told James a long time ago that if we ever dated again that it'd be our last time if it worked and me agreeing to be his girlfriend is pretty much an agreement to marry him. I hope he hasn't forgotten that.

I told him I'd answer his question the next time I see him in person. He'll be here sometime next month. w00+? I think so.

I'm going to hate myself in the morning. I have about seven hours to sleep now. I should've gone to bed when James did. Fawk.