I am deeply hurt in a way that I don't think I've been in two or three years. I have a new permanent scar to carry with me for the rest of my life. I am astonished by how much of a fool I was. This time, I was a great one. I saw the signs, but why didn't I trust my instincts? I can't even talk to anyone about it. I'm mildly embarassed and I get tired of hearing, "I told you that you should leave him alone."

I really can't trust anyone anymore at this point.

I can't believe his nerve and how many lies he has told me on top of lies. I absolutely can't believe it.

I think I want to be alone for the rest of the day.

He lied about where he was. He lied about how he felt. He lied and guilted me about being broke when he definitely wasn't. He lied about his accounts. What amazes me most is that throughout all of this, he tried to gain my pity. This is just the tip of the iceberg, because now I'm almost certain that he has lied in similar ways before. The most fucked up part of it all is that he was tugging at my feelings, too. The only way to truly hurt me is through my heart, which he knew, and he did even if he thought lying and keeping secrets was a way of not.

I told him time and time again, to just be fucking honest and I will accept his ass either way. I think it's pretty fucking evident that that statement is true by now. But not anymore. Not anymore. If I have to go snooping through e-mails and site accounts to know the real truth, then it's not fucking worth it.

I can't sleep; I wake up every hour. It has really been a long night. I called him at least twelve times, left two messages, texted him maybe eight times, and left an e-mail. I said I wouldn't call him anymore. I asked him not to ever call me again.

I may end up giving in to answering my phone out of curiousity to see what kind of explanation or excuse he believes he has for it. Unless he really has a great explanation for these secret actions and deceptions (which I can't imagine them being great or honest ones), I will have to cut him off for good this time. I've never been played this hard by anyone - absolutely no one. I just can't take him seriously anymore and I thought he was the ONE person I could. I honestly thought so.

To think I was jumping to conclusions. I was so far off.

God, what have I done to make people take joy in fucking me over? Really? I've never come close to being that dishonest and just foul to him.

It's truly unbelievable.

I can't cry anymore. I'm sick to my stomach.

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