lucidblur's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

mood: Sleepy
listening to: Garbage: Queer

Mm. I had a very rough night. James had been basically ignoring me for the majority of the day. I've been wanting to at least have a bit of fun before I leave in six days because it may be the last time we ever see each other, seriously.

Around midnight, he came back home from a sports bar, or so he said, and woke me up to badger me. I went out to get something to eat and came back emptyhanded, but couldn't go back to sleep. I ended up trying to talk with James, which I knew deep inside wasn't going to help anything. I ended up feeling... just bad... and crying after James had fallen asleep.

Somehow, I woke him up again and he pried me out of the bathroom. I got in the bed with him, he put his arm around me, and I silently cried for a few minutes. He talked a little while I kept quiet and we ended up falling asleep together.

I mean. I am just love-love-loving these sort of nights. Really.

No, I'm not.

v.v A big part of me just really wants the shit between us to be straightened, but I'm almost sure that there's nothing I can do alone to fix it. Yes, yes, I've accepted the fact that James will never see my point-of-view, but if he's acting the way he is now - like he's not willing to work on it and like he doesn't care either way - then I shouldn't have to accept what I don't like about him. I want us to be friends, but I don't want to do for people what people don't do for me. Not anymore.

The fact that I have no one else doesn't help my feelings of worthlessness. Of course I have Anna because she's been my friend for about fifteen years or so now, but we've distanced which is fine, too. I have my mom, but she has almost the same attitude as James, so she can't help me out too much; she makes things worse.

Everyone else seems to come and go as they please or whenever they're bored with me, which is understandable although it's not in me to do that to another. I guess I would rather it be like that with people: all or nothing. I don't need half-ass friends. I need to be friends with more women. WOMEN. No girls. I have faith in the future, though. I have faith that I'll meet good people.

Ahh. James and I did happen to have one conversation yesterday. I was telling him my idea of buying wholesale jewelry and opening an eBay store to sell it. This alone won't cost too much. I am going to shut down my website, which I never work on and I don't use for anything but practicing with HTML since my career path seems like it's going down Graphic and Web Design lane. But. That can wait until I get to my junior year of college. The money I used to run that will go toward the monthly basic eBay store bill, which is about sixteen dollars. I do know that my tax refund will definitely go toward my store, all $300+ of it.

So James told me that it'd be a cool idea to take the profit from the eBay store and buy a kiosk in South Park Mall to sell jewelry. This is quite possible. There's no other body jewelry kiosk and whether I worked it myself or employed someone else at $5.15-$5.50/hr, I could easily make a great chunk of money. I wouldn't even have to work while I'm in college. Since body art is something I love on top of being able to make up to a twenty-five dollar profit on just one piece of jewelry, why not? Granted, I wouldn't be able to sell too much of a variety in a mall like South Park as I would in a mall like Chestfield Town Centre (where most of the "goth", "punk", etc. kids go), but I do know that tongue, navel, and nose jewelry is still popular with people nowadays.

I'm still not completely certain about it because I'm really not a business lady, but this is something that could happen within 2006. It'd take a lot of determination and confidence, which is something I can honestly admit that I don't have right now. But once I feel I am stable enough - and I pray to God/Goddess that I really will be - I will definitely give it a shot. I'm going to open an additional bank account when I move back just to store my eBay money. I bet I could even get a lot of advice from Joey, Mr. Business man working for Allstate at age twenty-three with his nice car and house. Hmph!

*sings* Send me an angel to love. I want to feel a little piece of

heaven...

Ah! I had a conversation over a week ago about religion. I've been feeling like I need a religion, something solid to believe in, but I know that I'm way too stubborn to follow an organized religion. It's just too hard for me to take something that supposedly happened, say, out of a bible, and believe it, you know? Like, if there weren't bones proving that there was a such thing as a dinosaur, I wouldn't believe it; I need proof. But maybe I don't need a religion; I just need to believe in something, perhaps just a way of life.

I need to start reading more. I have a few good books I've started and never finished. Maybe I'll do that today? Maybe. I have to start packing some things today also. I may try to get James to go out and have fun with me somehow, but I doubt that's going to happen, so I might just have time enough to do both.

Gah, I need to fill out the FAFSA, too. Shiznit. I lost my mom's and my PIN. Maybe I won't bother with most of that until I get back to Virginia.

I am still a bit tired. G'night. -.- Zzzzz...

rofl @ Jessica's comment on my post "The epitome of close-mindedness". Mwuahah!