James and I have been getting along slightly better lately. I've concluded that there's a good chance that he will never understand me, though. It doesn't matter too much to me anymore, honestly. I do think there are certain things he should be able to understand, but I can't hold the fact that he doesn't against him.

I'm really not the type to just stop caring and flip emotions like light switches, but I refuse to keep running my head into a brick wall when it does nothing but hurt me. This goes for a lot of things going on in my life right now.

I was sitting in the bathroom, wrapped in my blanket, crying yesterday morning...

Oh. This was after me and James took Shane to the Emergency Room. He had cut down a tree two days ago and was hit in the eye by a chunk of tree. He was fine, but when he awakened yesterday morning, he said he could hardly see.

Anywho. James was asleep when I was crying, but I somehow managed to wake him. (Mind you, I've done this many times before and he didn't wake up, so no, I didn't do it for attention. I don't like people watching me cry.) So he ran in and asked me what was wrong and if I'd hurt myself. I told him that I hadn't, which is the truth. He took me by the hand and led me to his bed. I hadn't slept but four or five hours.

When we were in bed he kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't want to talk about it. I mean, I did, I just couldn't right then without bursting into tears. Lots of things have been bothering me. Frankly, I'm tired of talking about it or at least typing about it. So he just wrapped me up in my blanket and held me tightly. I kept jumping when I'd drift off, but I eventually fell into a deep sleep where I had dreams that I can't remember.

I got my Spookie Daly Pride "Medicine Chest" CD today. ^.^ It's nice and mellow, but upbeat too. It's definitely different than any other CD I've bought and far from anything played on the radio nowadays. I haven't listened to all of it yet, but I'm trying to now. I grabbed it from the mailbox about an hour ago.

I got my pink Livejournal t-shirt, too. =X Sorry, NuTang. Maybe you guys should sell shirts.

I feel decent today. I think I'm doing pretty well considering how shitty I do feel generally. I feel stronger and I feel just a tad proud of myself that my depression isn't affecting my normal life of going to work or my plans to move and get back in school. ^.^ Though, I may have to push back my moving date to October 5th or some day around there. If not, I'm home in NINE days! Unbelievable.

I will miss this place so much. The atmosphere is what I'll really miss. I'm actually having fun with Jessica at work now so I may miss that. I'm not close with her or anything, but she's funny and I am afraid that the people at the other Michaels wont be as friendly. I actually had a fifteen minute conversation with Tim yesterday. Hah, It's cool telling people about myself when they know almost nothing about me. I always seem to surprise them somehow.

I think moving away from James will change a lot of things. I said I wouldn't remain "friends" with James after I left. This is going under serious reconsideration. I've noticed that I make rash decisions and I hold myself to things that are sometimes just impossible or not exactly totally reasonable. Not to say that that decision was rash, but it was made when I was unstable. I'm not Superwoman.

So much for me being detached. ;D Oh well, I'm far from being inhuman. There has only been one person I've completely cut from my life and that was Stephanie. It hurt like hell, but she deceived me for a year and a half. They were complete lies. I couldn't let that go on.

Moving out will change a lot of things and if it gives us clearer minds to where we can straighten out issues, then I will think about just not talking as much. We used to talk two to five times a day before I moved here six months ago. Maybe it should be restricted to once a week or so. That's a reasonable decision.

When it comes down to it, James has always been there for me. Despite our huge fights, if I desperately needed something, he has been there. The majority of the time, he's honest with how he feels too, even if it's something I don't like.

Over the years, many people have been frivolous or flippant with me, dubbing me "best friend" (only of the month, of course) or "the only one who is/does ____ for me" (until they're ready to give that title to someone else). In other words: trying to make me feel special or one-of-a-kind when it's not the case. In teen years, I believe this behavior is typical and even I acted in that manner when I was sixteen-ish, but I don't do it anymore only because it's not fair and it singles out people and it would make me an ungrateful person and I'm not. So it's not me trying to make James seem special or like a special case; it's just a fact.

And I can't have a pack of friends that I keep passing around a special title to. That goes for everyone including family members or potential mates. So I don't normally say things like, "My grandfather was the only family to help me succeed" or "[So-and-so] was the only boyfriend to be honest with me". The only thing that I can say that is remotely like that is that James is always there for me and if I came to him crying, he'd be all ears. That doesn't single anyone out, but maybe also stating that he's the only one I trust I can take completely seriously and feel comfortable doing that with does.

But to this day, it's true.

Okay. Going to eat my Steak'um sandwich and watch soap operas. :D

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.