What's smart.

I've decided what is smart; I've concluded what will help me steadily and happily pursue what I've stated I wanted very badly previously.

Firstly, there will be no dating for me. No sex, no kissing, no crushing. The concerns that I have now or may have later need and will need to be put aside. Frankly, I mean no boys. Boys = bad. I don't know if it's fate or something that just is, but it has become apparent to me some time ago that I always end up having feelings for someone who is either difficult or is difficult to have in my life or be with while also considering romantic feelings. The end result of this is me inevitably feeling worthless or insufficient.

Don't get me wrong, switching feelings off like a switch isn't something that's natural to me. It's not as easy as it sounds, especially since sometimes I will be easily enamored and will grow rampant feelings and also because of my yearn for romance. But. I will try my best to keep this in mind from now on. More than likely, I won't be able to stand by this whole-heartedly because as much as I love logic, and logical actions are the only actions that make sense to me, I am also a very passionate person and I typically feel lots better going with what I feel instead. That is, at first. That is, until my feelings are hurt repeatedly. In which when that happens, I totally break down.

That's why there should be no more boys. Or men. Whatever. Er, the humans whom hide snakes in the crotch of their pants.

See, I am a bit obsessive. I will wrap my whole attention and concern around one single person - someone I may feel is currently the most important part of my life. Although no one has complained about not having my attention (besides James which makes it purely bullshit), I don't want to be that sort of person. I want everyone to have me as they need me. Alas, I am the sort of person who can't value every person as an equal in my life. I shouldn't, of course, because some people are just more important. (Ex: My mother is more important in my life than a co-worker.) But. I also shouldn't have one person towering over everyone else as if they're God (unless it is God, but that is a different story).

The worst part about it is that it hurts me. I will become so engulfed with one single person who may not even come close to reciprocating what I feel. Now, this isn't to say that I'm just crazy-obsessive to the point that I am unaware of what is going on. I do truly care about people. I just can't make myself not wrap myself in them and attempt to find absolute comfort, so the best thing to do is just back away from it. Now, that is my logic.

I do fine without having boyfriends and lots of acquaintances - male or female. At this point, I really do. Sometimes, I do way better by myself, even if it's not sane.

Also, I will need to stop caring about what people think of me. Again, I don't believe "stop caring" is natural so this will also be very hard to do because I've been getting the best of my social anxiety for the last few years. I've recognized that me caring has gotten me nowhere and I also don't have any less enemies than before when I completely couldn't care less. I guess I need to physically see that all that really matters is that I accept myself. I don't, yet; I'm working on it.

As I've said before: I want to become a better person. I definitely don't want to stay - if I am - a hermit. I don't want to withdraw from the people I care about and will come to care about, but I need to focus on myself. See, above anyone else, I am what is most important. I know this fact even if I don't always act in such a manner. I don't want to change the person I am, but I figure that once I achieve what I want of and for myself, I will also be rewarded by everything else falling in place - even if it's an unexpected gift or series of unexpected gifts.

I am scared, though. I feel like I'm at my lowest now and I'm although I don't like it, I am somewhat comfortable with it. I know that once you're at the bottom, you can't get lower. That's what is scary about going upward - knowing that you can also suddenly go downward.

Oh, there is at least one more thing that I want to change in my involvement with people. I want to stop being so judgmental. I don't think much of a lot of people. I don't mean that in an arrogant way in belief that I'm better than the majority of people on this planet; I perceive a lot of people as just being ignorant and blind. I still think this has to do with me dropping out of high school when I was fifteen. People change a lot in high school and attain different views, but I never got that far. Not being in high school, I spent a lot of time in my bedroom pondering issues that students never have the time to even imagine. Well, maybe that does make me a bit conceited? I know I missed a part of growing socially by leaving school, but a lot of things that I witness are just preposterous in my perspective that I probably wouldn't think so had I graduated from a high school.

My main dispute is with people so concerned with their image. This may sound contradictory to what I just said earlier about me caring too much about what people think of me. Now, other people's feelings about me may push me to change what I also think is immoral, but what people think of me or anything else has not changed my physical and personal image and attitude.

There actually was a time when it did, but I was fourteen - almost over six years ago. Being a black kid from a predominately black city, I thought I had to wear Fubu and Timberlands and listen to Nas and Jay-Z for anyone to even remotely like me. Then to spice it up a bit to make myself appear just a tad unique by doing something that was either weird or rare.

Now, I witness people still doing this crap when they're twenty to twenty-five years old and it irritates me to all hell. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, and maybe even eighteen - that's understandable, but frankly, I don't like or trust people who aren't themselves. I know that everyone at least follows one or more trends and I'm not or ever was rebellious, but when you do things, dress, and act in a way just to fit in, it's completely unrespectable in my eyes.

It's something I need to accept, though in this generation. There's no sense in being upset with how people are, why they are the way they are, and the disloyality, dishonesty, and apathy that I see every hour of the day. The only thing I can do is better myself and learn to like and accept what is around me.

...

So. I finished my hemp necklace. It's decent?

May work on a bracelet later.

I'm starving and James left in the storm without me because he didn't want to wait a few minutes for me to get ready. Great.

And he put his fucking crotch in my face earlier. Asshole. I tried to punch him in the nuts, but I missed.

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