August 29th at 2:23pm

I just saw Tyra’s new music video on BET. I’d wanted to see it. It’s really nice to see someone from this shithole (Petersburg) accomplish their big dreams. I don’t know Tyra personally and I’ve only exchanged a few words with her, but I’d been seeing her perform since I was hardly a teenager. It’s just nice.

I’m avoiding James’ phone calls. I really don’t want to leave and I’m not looking forward to seeing him Thursday. Grandma called me into her room and jokingly said, only with a hint of seriousness, that she wasn’t going to let me leave because she needed me here. It made me feel a little bad. I am going to sit down and talk to her tomorrow when we go out – hopefully, that will be without Mom. I want to talk about me moving back and going to Richard Bland College again. I would be paying for that, of course.

Mom told me about a savings account that Grandma has just in case something happens to her. I don’t want her to, but if I had no other way, I’m pretty sure she’d help. I’m trying to be realistic and take baby steps. Since I don’t feel like I have Peggy to help me get into VSU anymore, I’ll settle for RBC. (I’m not so sure that’s “settling”.) Maybe I could somehow eventually go to William & Mary. I just wish I didn’t decide this too late to go to school this Fall.

Well, looks like I did what I said I wouldn’t. I’m sitting here today with nothing to do and I’m about to be left home by myself. Great. I think I’ll take a walk now.

August 29th at 6:27pm
I’m sitting in the living room eating good macaroni and cheese that I made and scratching bug bites on my ankles. I don’t know where they came from or why they’re so bad. One even looks infected. It hurts.

I haven’t been feeling right for the last hour or so. It’s going to be weird not having James in my life. I don’t remember what it’s like to have pretty much no one. I should get over it quickly if I just keep reminding myself that what we “have” isn’t really anything at all. We only had the potential of being great friends. But it’s been two and a half years now, so it really won’t exactly be easy.

On that note, I’ve still been ignoring James’ calls. I think it’s best. I shouldn’t talk to him until I have to. God, I really can’t believe what I’ve dealt with for so long. I’ve degraded myself for so long and I just can’t believe I’ve allowed it to ever happen.

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