August 29th at 4:43am
I am tired of feeling foolish because of James. I keep thinking – even considering everything he has done that has upset me – that me and James can work out our problems so we can be friends. We have a lot of problems and I know of the ones that would be difficult for him to change although they aren’t nearly impossible. That’s not something I hold against him.

I don’t understand what’s so god damn hard to him about not doing things that hurt my feelings or dignity. He made this awful metaphor about beating a puppy the first time it pisses on the floor so he’ll never do it again. First off, he’s not a puppy. Secondly, I’ve told him more than once about every single thing he does and says to me that makes me feel like I’m not worth a shit more than sexually. I know that he comprehends, he just doesn’t care. It’s as if he’s punishing me for no reason, or at least for a personal reason that I’m not aware of.

I told him that I know I deserve more than him. He called me spoiled for that. Then I told him that he was being childish because he wouldn’t accept that I’ve been dealing with his ungrateful ways from the beginning and I was finally done with how he treats me. So he said, “Fuck you” to me like three times before I was fed up and hung up on him.

I can’t believe he acted this way. When I get back to Wilmington, I am definitely getting out of there with the quickness. I’m sad that I’ll even have to see him again. I feel stuck.

I may not have much self-esteem, but I deserve more than James treating me like just a sex object or just someone to make himself feel better while he disrespects me and my feelings. I really just want this to be over. I want to move my belongings here and just have James out of my life. Heh, he actually acted as if I was keeping him up and from getting sufficient sleep so he could go to work. He’s the one who called me. I got bitched out for it. He is the biggest fucking asshole I’ve ever met in my life.

I don’t feel good at all because of this, but I don’t feel like harming myself like usual. Although James makes me feel like I don’t deserve more than feeling like I’m only good for sex. Although James doesn’t care if I’ve sacrificed my life for him when he never has. Although I’ve lost so much for him. Although I’ve given him so many chances when he shouldn’t have gotten more than one or two – not twenty. I bet he laughs to himself every time I give him a chance.

Ironically, what made me feel a lot better today was seeing Quintus. I was feeling shitty all day from being stuck in the house and eating greasy chicken from KFC. He called and asked to stop by. It was only for a few minutes, but the hug he surprisingly pulled me into made everything go away for the short time that it lasted. Heh, it helped me so much, I can’t even explain. It was just hugging someone who… I don’t know. Just someone I appreciate for only being themselves and making me happier than I’d ever asked for in the past. It was also a relief. I don’t feel so weird anymore.

Being here with nothing to do is a bit upsetting, though. I called Quint earlier with intentions of asking him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow, but I totally forgot before we got off the phone. Oh well. It was probably for the best because… Heh. I had a moment where I was pretty compelled to do something very unadmirable in my eyes. I hate conflict, but obviously my head isn’t always on right. I won’t screw up anything for him, though. I really wanted to hang out with someone while I’m here and catching up with him has been nice even though I thought I’d never see him again. Haha.

I think I’ll spend tomorrow pondering precisely which direction I’m going to take my life. Most importantly, how I’m getting my things back up here to Virginia.

That’s right! I’m moving back and going to school. Yesness-Yayness!

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