August 28th at 12:32am
Today was quite eventful in a few ways. I stayed at Anna’s house and the whole night I couldn’t sleep. I think I fell asleep around 6am after doing tons of thinking of where I stand in my life right now. Oh, and writing Quint a letter.

The letter wasn’t very elaborate and I gave it to him today. Right after, I left quickly so me and Mom could catch the Jimmie’s Chicken Shack concert on time (which we didn’t catch, by the way. MOTHERFUCKER!). He called me about a minute after I left. I missed it and I called him back. Then we talked briefly about it. Honestly, I wasn’t looking for anything; it was just building up and I wanted to let it out. I feel a hell of a lot better now and it’s not on my mind.

Things are still awkward being here. Mom and I fought today. It was so fucking ridiculous! I swear to fucking God, I didn’t do shit. I did not do shit! She cursed and yelled irrelevant, mean comments while I didn’t say shit to her. Again, I was reminded why I left. I fill the car up with gas, treat her to dinner, dressed her ass with clothes I bought, and drove her two hours to and from the beach and she’s fucking rude for no God damn reason. I respect Mom and I even appreciate her although she has hardly done a thing to benefit anything good I’ve ever had going in my life. My mind and heart just can’t bear her insane outbursts.

Then there’s James who’s always an asshole to me. Anna and I had a good, long talk about James and I realized a lot of things. Eventually, I will need to rid James from my life. It’s depressing that the “closest” person to me literally refuses to not treat me in a way that makes me feel lower than shit. No matter how many times I sit him down, stare him in the eye, and tell him precisely what it is he does and says to me that deeply hurts my feelings, he just will not stop. “I love you”? Complete bullshit. I wouldn’t even treat people I don’t like much in the same manner James does and to the degree he hurts me.

I’m sick of saying this because I’ve already said it too many times before without doing much about it. Between James and Mom, I think I’m at my breaking point. I’m lonely as fuck and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not desperate at all, but I wish that I had just one person who knew me inside and out and just genuinely cared about my feelings and well-being. I know I’m not entitled to having a friend – or just someone – like that. Maybe I don’t even deserve such a blessing. It’s just what I want. How do I work for something like that? How do I earn a good friend? I’ve been trying.

I still don’t know where to go from here. I just don’t know. I don’t know if I can go back to people (Grandma) taking care of me financially (providing a home). I’m afraid I may go crazy in Petersburg – I can feel it already. When Mom flipped out on me, she was quiet for a few minutes. My face was locked and tears streamed like rivers down my face. And I could only keep my eyes glued to the highway. When she apologized over and over, I couldn’t even open my mouth to respond. It’s like a switch turned off in my head. It seemed to be that same switch that provoked me to have a field day on my wrist and destroy every card and letter that James ever gave me.

I won’t keep dwelling on this. I think I’m just going to give up. I feel old – very old. I’m not really one to complain about not having a lot more than what I think every decent person deserves, but I’m so terribly weak from this bullshit.

REALLY, I AM.

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