The saying "Never frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile" has never meant so little and has never seemed like such ludicrous in my life. I like to think I'm optimistic and I even admit to sometimes even being delusional because of it for periods of time.

My smile? I used to think it said a lot. I have a smile for every event - simple and awkward - and every feeling. There is happy, disappointed, accomplished, failure, anxious, thoughtful, grateful, embarrassed, doubtful, and the list goes on. I wonder if arrogance is what makes me believe that these smiles are so easily distinguished from each other.

Maybe not. I feel like I can read someone just by observing them for a few moments, even without a personal interaction. I wonder if anyone attempts this with me. I know for sure that my life story is burried way below the surface, but I wonder what the majority of people's first impression is of me. It's all in the eye of the beholder, but I also have to wonder if just my aura is even strong enough to make it beyond the eye and into the mind of perception.

My stability was sufficient before my teen years. I don't believe I had a clue about who I was, but I feel as if I may have tried so hard to understand the way I work and operate that I'm not much more than a reprogrammable robot. I know that I can't go back to how I was before in the way I'd like because I'm too afraid that I may again become a mold of my surroundings. That is on top of the natural process of growing up and opening doors that you can't close that make this merely impossible.

Unlearning. Sounds great, but is hard as a bitch to do.

So what to do? My best guess is to just stop giving a fuck. Gee, if it were only that simple. Sometimes I feel like someone's test or lab rat in a maze and my anxiety has eaten my personality. I feel like I lie to people, but I know I'm not. I feel sure that people lie to me, too. Oh, deception.


Falling in love with my smile, huh? Crock of shit. Knowing that my disappearance wouldn't change anyone's fate+ or destiny+ is more than a piss on my self-esteem. I like to think that I make a difference. I'm at the point where I wouldn't care much whether it was negatively or positively. I just want to know that I matter.

* I still have issues with these words.

You have such an interesting attitude. Its very refreshing.
» juiCyy on 2005-08-23 04:23:19

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