lostsoul's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

to continue with last entries "stuff" section.
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now you must understand, i'm not marring kushiel. she was a love that was never experienced, we never had one another in that fashion. we just loved one another, we never experienced one another beyond a kiss and a hugg... and to be honest i kinda like that. cuz when it comes down to it, that love was pure, nothing tainted it, we never dated, had sex, hell we only kissed once. hell, we don't even really talk that much, our friendship is based purely upon just a few months a talking and hanging out togther. also, by the time we were gonna date, i left for the navy and then we grew apart, i went my way and she went hers. and now i will never know what could have been and i like it like that. why?.... well, you have to look at it like this. people fall in love everyday and they get hurt everyday, all of the 'love' they have felt in their life was ended with pain. but with kushiel it started with pain and it ended without pain. it went in reverse. i found something in her that outlasted friendship and love... it was 'brotherhood and sisterhood' a love so pure that ..... it can't exsist.

but now your wondering who i'm marring right? well, i'm marring my current girl friend whom i've been with for almost a year. and i'm happily miserable with her. now your scraching your head and going "huh?" well, let me explain further. along time ago i 'figured out'(so i thought) that love was nothing more than toleration of someone else in your life. ex. - how long you could tolerate someone, or how long you can tolerate what they did and so and so forth. now, that was with twy, whom i must say did greater impact how i thougth about love, life, and how one should act in both. now you must understand that twy and mine relationship was very destructive and abusive... well not abusive but not good all the same. there was just too many differences between the two of use. neway. with cel (wife to be), i learned that love is not tolerance but acceptance. though many will argue that those two words are synonyms, but i have thought and thought about it and they are not.. though their meanigs may be simular they are not in a practical sense of life. i tolerate other people at work because i have too, i accept many things about cel because it is who she is and i can't change that unless she wants it to change too. but neway. i'm rambling now and i have no idea of how to continue and those of you out there who do actually read this know that i will continue to type for awhile yet even though my train of thought was broken. well neway.

i'm kinda glad cel doesn't use the internet much and that she probably doesn't remember this site cuz damn would i be hurting. but then again this is my place and she understands that. i could leave my written journal out and she wouldn't read it.. its just the kind of person she is. neway. i'm tired and i'm still at work waiting for this family to live so i can watch another movie. well later on people.