I came down with a slight fever last Friday, the beginning of winter break. The fever's gone now, but the sore throat, hacking cough, and chills are still there. I ended up not going to Janelie's ROTK viewing birthday party on Saturday. Seven people yelled "GET WELL SOON!" into a cell phone at a crowded public place for me, and promised to save me and Watkins a seat in their row...'in honor of the fallen'. I made up that joke when we found out Watkins couldn't come. Such a nice gesture. Nowhere near as good as having been there, but appreciated much the same.

I spent the weekend day sitting around, falling asleep at weird intervals, and recovering. I made myself about three cranberry-orange juice cocktails (too bad we didn't have any Sprite), patented a method for taking those godawful huge Vitamin C's (broke them in half), felt hardcore cause I was able to knock back two Motrins at once (yeah--shut up), and opened a couple presents from Grandma in VA. She'd called to check up the Christmas package had arrived in one piece, and wanted me and TRV to open our presents from her. TRV had to peel himself off the ceiling after discovering a platinum Gameboy Advance SP and two games underneath the wrapping paper. I didn't have a bad haul either: five pairs of cute boxer chonies, a shirt, and $50.

* * *


I wrote that part this morning, and didn't finish because I felt so tired. I'm staying over at Mom and Pop's house until Christmas Eve, and I always have a hard time sleeping when I'm here, so last night I didn't close my eyes til 2 am. Then woke at eight this morning for the long awaited salon appointment to get a haircut and my colors. I now have lovely red streaks in my dark dark brown hair, which is up to my shoulders again. I'm never going to be a typical Azn chick with fine, glossy, silky straight hair down to her ass...that's okay. It's a bitch to maintain, and I bet at the end of the day it smells really funky from all the places she's been sitting.

Enough sidetracking.

* * *

When put into perspective, today hasn't been a horrible day at all. I'm emotionally ready for Christmas to be here, and I'm looking forward to it with some anticipation. The only problem is that between the time I wrote this morning and now, I've started feeling much worse. Lightheaded, dizzy, hacking up my lungs every twenty minutes...yet I'm determined to make it to the Aunties' celebrations in F and P, and I'm equally bent on studying for finals, nailing my speech, and completing the extra credit assignments and projects that were dumped on me last Friday. I need to get better. Who the hell knew that what I'd want for Christman 2003 wouldn't be something electronic or the entrance of a special boy in my life, but some good health and a certain future for me and the people I love.

I never realized just how uncertain my future really is until last week. My counselor called me in to show me the PSAT results. They weren't bad, but they were far from great. Especially the Math test, where I scored a wilting 39. The 61 and 60 on the Verbal and Writing tests kind of made up for it. After he showed us our scores, Sze and I sat in our counselor's office for almost forty minutes listening to his 'How to Get into a University' spiel. It was nice finding out what I need to do, but at the same time it was so disconcerting because a) I doubt my parents can afford to send me where I want to go, b) I'm too much of an average student to make it in anyway and c) if I don't go to a school with a formidable reputation, it's pointless. This doesn't mean I'm giving up the fight before it starts--hell no, not by any stretch. I will do my best to cover all my bases and give myself the best chance of being accepted, not because that is what is required of me but because I won't be able to sleep if I feel like I'm not doing enough. I see stress up to my eyeballs in the coming year. Thank God I'm lucky enough to have a great group of people to fight the good fight with. Thank God when I need them the most...they're there, and the will still be there this coming year. For the first time in my life...I've lucked out so much in the friends department.

This is what isn't so warm and fuzzy...my great friends don't change the fact that my chances are slim and the money is nowhere to be found. But...Option Two was presented itself last Friday (damn, lots of things happened that day) at a presentation about the Air Force Academy. I'm almost a hundred percent confident that I can make it in there--I have that same feeling of total surety that I had about making it into Mock Trial. I can't tell you how everything being free in there appeals to me. I can't explain how much I can see myself getting to the light at the end of the tunnel--a job at the UN--through the Academy as a stepping stone. The cadet at the presentation told us that you have to really want to be in the Academy, that going into service for the money wasn't going to get you anywhere.

Since then I've been questioning my desire to get in there. The first, most prominent reason I could think was that going to the Academy means a free, reputable education. NO strain on my parents' bank accounts. They have more than enough time to prepare for TRV's college education in nine years. Graduating from the Academy surely guarantees me a position pretty much anywhere I want to work. So would I be doing it for the money?

Yes. It does.

I'd be living my life for the stupid material commodity that drives people insane. I'd miss out on countless birthdays, holidays, graduations, anniversaries--I wouldn't be able to see my cousins grow up. I would'nt see my brother grow up. I'd come home after my time in the Air Force, and they would wonder who I was. Letters and emails don't stop people from growing apart. Reading an open webjournal is nowhere in the same ballpark as being there.

Being able to take care of my parents and grandparents--never again having to hear the exhaustion in their voices as they struggle to keep us happy and cared for--at the price of losing them? At the price of changing myself? I know how people in the military come back home drastically changed. I wouldn't be the same person I was before I left. I know that happens during college, too, but not to the extent that going into the military would.

I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice this time with my family. But I have new and greater respect for the people who do.

Where do I go from here?

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