There are patterns in life; isn't it quite amazing and fascinating sometimes how certain sequences of events has the tinge of deja vu to it? Let's take for example the academic year:

I tweeted a few hours ago that "Every academic year seems to be like a brand new story with an equally tragic ending each time round."

Well, that is true... on many levels. The obvious connection is that to studies - that's true. And friendships as well. Simply put, 2012 was like a "hi, nice to meet you" time, and by the end of year 1 everything just disintegrated (heck, I was even unceremoniously evicted from a chat group to boot lol) and by the time summer rolled by, it was back to square one yet again. The search turned elsewhere and I managed to gather a group of awesome people who finished the float with me.

Cue to this year and as the floaters went our separate ways to their (pre-existing) cliques (except me, who belonged nowhere - sort of like a free agent haha), it was a "hi, nice to meet you" time again. I met new people, people whom I never talked to in the first year [looking back how did I survive y1 sem 2 as a floating non-entity I have no idea] and all seemed well (again). It was visits to the halls yet again though I upgraded from studying at the dining hall this time round (thanks). 2014 rolled by and as the months went by I definitely overstepped some OB marker somewhere and brought calamity onto myself (in ancient China they would have said you'd lost the Mandate of Heaven; let's just say... you're not a junzi anymore).

So here I am again, rehashing the mantra that is "hindsight is always 20/20" - I can't foresee the future - I went by instinct, and unfortunately more often than not I do put the mockers on myself.

If there's one thing worse than being creepy it is to be annoying; to the extent of being so turned off that you become uncomfortable around someone whom you were close to. To know how damaging and disconsolate I become at the mention of the "u" word, you have to understand what happened two years back. Back then, I was unequivocally the one at fault. I deserved to get labelled as being insincere when I stretched out a reconciliatory hand. I was told that maybe things would get better in a year and we can talk again. It has been two years since. There has been no contact, none at all - I have no idea whether she was even alive or not until I used incognito to view her profiles - and cue the relief when I think that there is still hope for reconciliation sometime in the future.

And that's why when the "u" word was thrown at me just now, I knew the battle was lost and the time was up. It stirred up horrible memories of being... really alone. And I'd enough experience of that to write a book - or a biography even. Two years ago I vowed never to let another person feel that way. I'd failed. Nothing will make it good again; as carefree and uninhibited it was - you were honestly a huge blessing in my life - I'm sorry it turned out like this largely due to my own ineptitude and naivety.

It's been a roller coaster ride ever since the night of 24 Aug 2005, when everything just started and one thing just led to another.

It has been a disappointing month, but things can only get better... or so I hope.

...Good luck to us both, we'll need it.

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