Everything changes.

All of us stumble; we give in to our egos, we think we are in control when in reality we are not. We need to realise that this ego exists. And then confine it again to where it belongs - in the backseat, or in the boot - wherever.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matt 6:33)

Is there really nothing I can do? Yup, nothing on your own. Healing takes time, but it takes effort, faith... and trust.
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Somehow I cannot really bring myself to blog the way I did all those years ago - when all the words and the expressions and the joy, sorrow and angst will pour out and arrange themselves nicely into concise, adroit paragraphs.

No worries about sentence structure, the use of improper grammar - all we wanted was for people to understand us. I guess this whole awareness thing comes with age, and more. It's like "you so old already... should know how to write properly - later exam you write like this, how?". It didn't help also that the teachers back then were promoting blogging... as a way for us to brush up on English (lol - as if it worked for us... you just need to find a random blog (alive or abandoned), scroll back to 2007 and see whether we cared about it).
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I was taking a break from mugging yesterday and wanted to find out how my ex-CT is doing five years on (he left six months before we graduated). Realised his tuition business is going quite well (over-subscribed now, still) and the number of testimonials have increased dramatically on his website.

Remembered the days when he will admonish and encourage us in good measure - counsel me when I felt damn low after... you guessed it, being rejected lololol (that's another story for another day...). [should have been more diligent and actually do my homework - else won't have to suffer during exams each time].
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Another form teacher of mine from seven years back is now in Kiwiland for a year-long sabbatical to serve God - It is really a leap of faith to just drop everything here and uproot your entire family to a foreign land, where you will be at the mercy of others' kindness and generosity.

Really respected him; for he was the first, always, to encourage me, to build up my faith (technically he wasn't supposed to do so... because he is a teacher - "accommodative secularism" haha). His words and actions only rung loud and clear after all these years - I feel very bad now for not living up to his kindness and patience all those years ago.
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Hopefully one day I'll be able to impact others as others have done to me. I reckon that will be pretty satisfying indeed; the human connection - the assurance that at least someone cares and is looking out for you all the time. They do not expect or demand anything in return because it is really done out of true love, and grace.

Val.ch prophesied some weeks back that I need to let all the hurt that I'd accumulated within me go [maybe she meant to include the most recent scar(s) as well, oh wells]. So here goes nothing.

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