Flight Of The Dark => invisibleinkling@NuTang

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La Lune

CURRENT MOON

lunar phase

Currently Reading

What is the What,
Dave Eggers

Elements

my demons

Wednesday. 1.28.09 12:30 am

Alone with my thoughts is a position I only try to be in when it's absolutely necessary. Tonight, I was a bit relieved when he fell asleep early; I need a moment to face myself, regroup, and trudge on. My shadow self showed her ugliest today, just after I finished telling Dr K I didn't need a therapist or antidepressants. We'd been doing better. I'd been handling the outbursts more calmly. I've started meditating a lot again, and it has been helping. We've been cooking and cleaning together, and even enjoying the downtime. Mornings have featured less screaming, and I've been less paranoid and jumpy. Today, though, was a complete retrogression. Maybe it's the financial stress finally getting to me. Maybe I feel guilty because I'm not working. Maybe it's the hormones I'm overproducing. Maybe it's a fucked up Jenn's- Batshit -Crazy -Cocktail.

I got home frustrated. We still have no answers. More blood tests, she says. I'm so tired of blood tests and scans I can't see straight anymore. I JUST. WANT. TO. FEEL. NORMAL. I want this THING out of me. This demon, this sickness, this trial HAS to have an end. It's a test of faith I'm failing, a test of will and determination I'm failing, a test of strength I just DON'T have anymore. A survivor, yes. And maybe nothing more.

Why does he stay? His own test? This time he clarified he wasn't upset at me...just upset...but it was all directed at me. At my demons. I've got some things to sort through. I was unprepared. There's a lot more coming. I cannot be unprepared again. So much coming...

I don't want to attend Imbolc in a wheelchair...I don't want to watch the Superbowl unable to get off the couch...I feel like I've gained a million pounds, and I really want to be able to spar and fence without every touch feeling like something's broken. I want Me back. Today was not Me. Today was the antithesis of Me. And she was Ugly.

I never want to be this Ugly again. Never.

1 Comments.

All I can say is that I sincerely hope you get better. :/
» randomjunk on 2009-01-28 07:52:19

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