I guess after watching all the shitty men my mom dated and married screw her over I developed a shell of sorts. With that shell came a belief that if I let my guard down enough I'd be taken advantage of. I was never one of the cool kids (who was?), and through that I developed a "people are laughing at me behind my back for being an idiot" complex. Most of the time I wonder if I'm kept as a friend for much more than to laugh at for my stupidity when I'm not around. "Can you BELIEVE she actually thinks we like her?" The combination of these things is a sense of suspicion of what people REALLY think or feel about me, and yes, it's a problem in my relationships.

Now, take this information I've just given you and add come of the unfortunate events of our relationship...the emails I've received from other girls about him telling me how much more he loved them or how much happier he'd be with them. Add in the fact that I don't know most of his friends at all (apparently he hasn't hung out with any of them because he was afraid of how I'd react) and that I started to feel like he was even hiding his exchanges with them (I guess I should leave that one to the fact that he's not really keen to give information thats unsolicited most of the time). Stir in the sudden drop in attention, the switch from romantic feelings to friendly feelings, the peck kisses, the short forced "i love you"s, and the neglected feeling that arose from those things...and you come out with my suspicion that those attentions were "obviously" being directed to someone else.

I'm not in any way trying to excuse the resulting paranoia or breach in trust...but I'm not the only one who reacted badly to innocent (albeit flirtatious) comments from friends, I'm not the only one who made snarky comments (don't do what you usually do for friends with significant other issues), and I'm not the only one who went fishing.

As far as my fishing from others goes...it was never intentional. I vent, and when people allow me to vent to them, apparently it comes out as accusations or interrogations. I can only think of one occasion I actively went and asked someone for information. Anything else I've gotten from anyone has been offered, not solicited. I guess I need to work on my venting to make it sound less aggressive. Mostly it's rhetorical, and half the time it's my chance to say things out loud or put them in front of me in text to better sort, in my own thoughts, what seems plausible and what seems preposterous.

I promised him last night I was going to try and be better with that, but this has to be a dual effort. We have to both work on the suspicious aspects of our personalities. Maybe then he can figure out where the attentions went, because he at least agreed something changed. If that's NOT why, then we have to figure out whether or not things are changed for good. Then I guess we'll know it's time to move on.

*sigh*
I thought there was more...but I got sidetracked. One of those days.

you seem to be going through guy issues as well, but yours are at least focused on one guy. I've got three. I do know how you feel about the complex of people talking behind your back. It sucks when it comes to your confidence being affected. I hope that things work out well.
» LostSoul13 on 2007-04-08 07:50:20

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