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It's a rather long entry.
Monday. 1.26.09 5:56 pm
You all know me. Don't be frightened.

Yesterday, my dad came over to my mom's house to pick me up to go car shopping. Mom decided that she wanted to have a family meeting restating the fact that I don't have any driving privileges until next report cards (nine weeks) come out and the grades are up to par. Alright, I guess. No harm done.

See, my mother has a way of taking an action/idea and pummeling it into your head until you finally either walk away or grow enough balls to tell her to stop. She was taking the whole situation WAY too far, and at one point, she said to me, "I mean, you were doing so great, then you kind of just crashed and burned."

Oh. No. You. Didn't. Just. Go. There.

At this point, I am FURIOUS (you'll learn why in a minute). My mother can tell I'm furious, then she says to me "Ok I can kind of tell I've pissed you off. Maybe not crashed and burned, but your grades did kind of plummet."

Oh. No. You. Didn't. Just. Go. There. AGAIN.

I don't cry, usually. I HATE crying. ESPECIALLY in front of others. You have to REALLY hurt me for me to cry. Physical pain I don't cry about unless it's a reflex and tears just come. Just, blah. Well, after she's gone where she shouldn't have, I can't hold back any more. I burst while trying to hold back, she sees I'm upset, tells me in a stern voice to tell her what's wrong, and I just tell her to stop.

She keeps going at it. "Tell me what's wrong."
I spit back, "JUST. STOP."

She gets a pissy face, but at this point, I don't care.

Why am I getting so upset at all of this, you ask? During the period where I "crashed and burned" and my grades "plummeted" I was going through a stage of depression. Don't believe me? You don't have to. Because I know how I was feeling. What makes it worse? I had non-stop panic attacks, one of the bigger ones which my mom saw. I told her at the time how I was feeling. How I didn't want to try any more. I didn't have a drive to do my school work. Nothing was worth it anymore. She told me she understood. She told me she was there for me. She saw me like this, and she even suggested a counselor.

For her to PUSH ALL OF THAT ASIDE, and tell me that it was completely my fault for just ignoring my work.

That's like shooting back, "Oh yeah? Well it must be the same situation for you. You MUST have 'crashed and burned' and 'plummeted' working at USC, and that's why you were one of the professors cut for the budget." THAT would have shut her up.

(Which, that really wasn't the case. She is an excellent professor at USC, but they simply couldn't afford to keep her course. It still would have hurt IF I were to shoot those worse at her. Which I didn't. I don't like getting even.)

Anyways, that's the end of that story. My dad and I talked in the car about it afterward, and he understands all feelings I ever have toward my mom. He knows how she rings a topic until it's dry, how she over-does it...and probably more actions of hers that I will most likely one day face.

Now, on to today. Today started the "No driving for two months" punishment. Which I guess I'm fine with. It's just more difficult when I want to hang out with friends. I was talking to my mom in the car today, and we started on pretty light topics, but somehow got in to a deep discussion on how she would deal with fights with my dad when they were married, and how she fought unfairly by instead of addressing an issue fairly, she would make it a personal attack on my dad. And I just...felt so sorry for my dad. Because I know exactly how he feels.

But I also understand why my mom needs to have control over every aspect of her life. Reasons that are too personal to publicize.

I want to be so much better than my parents, in some ways. In others, I want to be the same.

Well honey. A lot of us are fucked up in the head. She sounds a lot like my mum in the way that she doesn't take excuses, and...in some ways, I don't think she should, even if what you're going through is bad. I've been there. I understand, and don't think I don't. Using depression as an excuse will get old.
I know you'll probably hate me for this, but you need to hear it. There are strong women out there who just take it in stride and keep going. I hope to be one, some day, and I really hope someday you'll hope for the same.
» Unicornasaurus on 2009-01-26 06:53:09

I know how it is to be depressed, with the lack of motivation. Still though, some things can't be put on hold because of that. I think your mom needs to wait until you are definitely able to work through a depression before she criticizes you...
» randomjunk on 2009-01-26 10:09:09

well my mother always thinks her kids got no problems because i never shared mine with her because it's useless to do so when she doesn't even understand at all but always thinks she DOES just because she thinks she has the license to do so because she is my mother. well this is purely asian culture.
» renaye on 2009-01-27 05:44:02

How did you manage to change your username without having to re-register?
» Nuttz on 2009-01-27 06:08:01

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