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Crazy like a bedbug!
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I haven't eaten in a year! Or something.
Thursday. 7.10.08 1:26 pm
Almost like pyrogrl12's entry on esteem and body image and how it's no ones business but your own, but not quite?

But first, some background.

Quite some time ago, I was numerically obese. By a whole .2 on the BMI scale! Whoaaaaaa! Moo! Oink! (other disparaging anti-fat remarks here, including that backing-up warning beep).

Quite some time longer ago than that, my mom decided that she had ... issues. I've griped about them before.

Some time inbetween the two events, my mom decides to take her issues out on me. I've already realized that it seems mental illness runs in my mom's side of the family, and I'd like to stay as far away from those issues as possible.

Nope. Zomgah don't eat that, you will get fat. Zomgah blahblahblah. Wonderful growing up with mother who thinks you are garmonguous, even though you are quite... underweight. On top of this, of course everyone decides to point out that "whoa what is going on?" and poking and grabbing things and such. WTF, that's mine! Hands off! I totally should have bitten people.

Of course, between "zomgah don't eat that" and such, I ate many times more of it than I should have, and puberty and college were oh so generous with their gifts of womanly curves, yes, that's it, "womanly curves". The kind that apparently make you look pregnant (even though you have never even had a boyfriend, or been kissed, or anything like that), which is totally someone else's business for them to go ask my parents about. "No, she's just fat". Thanks.

Now the kvetching.

Between quite some time ago and now, I have fallen victim to my mother, her crazy, the media, its crazy, and who the hell else knows what. I am no longer... large Marge in charge, at the risk of a bit of sanity that I'd like to think I'm pretty good at holding on to. Some days it gets away, that sanity, and I find myself wearing a bit of my mother's crazy.

Anyway, no longer "obese", but merely overweight, and then "normal", I figure it's great, maybe people will STFU and go away. They won't poke at me and my bits anymore, grabbing handfuls and going "zomgah what's this" or such. Perhaps I can wear my shirts, or some pants, without hearing all of the bullshit that people like to give you.

Oh, was I right. Oh so right. It seems like even more people want to pay attention to things now. It's wonderfully awkward.

"You're looking great!" Um, ok? I wasn't before? Thanks...

"You've lost weight, haven't you?" Actually, yes. Yes I have. I can't seem to find it, do you know where it's gotten off to? It answers to "glorb." How the fuck do you answer this question without coming off as snooty and full of yourself? What kind of question is this to someone you haven't seen in a while? Couldn't "you look well/healthy" suffice? Is it even that important to point out?

"What did you do so I can do it?" Um... I fought a bit of crazy off with a stick, and now I've got a small shield holding it at bay? Do you want some crazy? I'll gladly give it to you. Here, have some extra crazy on top of that. I've got more than enough to go around. Of course then, since you have achieved the USA-ian holy grail, also known as weight loss, EVERYONE wants to pay attention to what/how you eat, and then comment on it. It's my plate, EYES OFF! You like this thing that I don't want? Have it. Please don't say "zomg no wonder, you aren't eating _____!" Of course I'm not eating it, I don't want it! If I do want it, I'll eat it, yes, I know, it's horrible for me and will go straight to my large, fleshy parts.

"You're tiny!" No. I'm not. Even without the crazy, I'm not "tiny", maybe smaller than the average, but not "tiny". Especially to someone who is taller, probably has kids, and isn't all that large themselves. Tiny is Jaslene Gonzales or Nicole Richie. Maybe even the Olsen twins. Tiny are the people that I would worry if they got caught in a strong crosswind. You'd never see them again! I'd like to think that I am healthily built, though I will agree that my frame is small. I'll also give them that compared to the city/county/state/country/world/solar system/galaxy/universe, I am tiny.

And my absolute favorite: "what, did you not eat for a year or something?" Consider the aforementioned crazy, and it's associated upbringing. As often as I dislike my mother, I find this sort of comment slightly offensive. What am I supposed to say? "I appreciate your attempt at flattery, but my mother is ill, and I'm trying to work doubly hard so I don't fall into it too." That just kills any sort of positivity in that statement, and is slightly rude. Yes, I am smaller than I was a year ago. It happens.

What do you reply to these people? I mean, sure, I can't deny that at some point in my life I was larger, but whose business is it other than my own? I do something so hopefully people won't keep commenting, and they just comment even more. Woo. At least my mom has stopped bitching at me.

Maybe I'll start telling people that I used tapeworms or cut off my third arm or have some sort of serious illegal drug habit. Maybe I engage in a bit of Pica. I sold both of my kidneys and my bladder to science. I had a few ribs removed. Who knows. Ooh! I'll tell them my TB went active, and now I've got consumption.

Can I have my body and not have people comment on it?

Life is about looks, unfortunately. And we all know that and don't do anything about it. :|

The average female weight at twenty seems like a lot... :S I think that's more than my dad weighs.
» randomjunk on 2008-07-10 06:12:26

Jaslene scares me. She is tiny, though.
» Dilated on 2008-07-10 07:07:00

Oh pica, so bizarre and intriguing.

Sorry to hear about the random crappy comments. Unfortunately people tend to comment on looks no matter what, good or bad, big or small. Makes for uncomfortable situations.

» adreen on 2008-07-11 08:13:35

I think everyone will always find SOMETHING to comment on. The trick is not to listen, but I tell you what, if you figure out how to do that... well you better tell me how.
» jinyu on 2008-07-12 10:36:00



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