now i remember why ive stayed single for soooooooo long..... Ok here is the situation. My best friend and my roommate Camille, aka cami, lives like right around the corner. Except she lives with me in the bay but around the corner during break. well anywyas ive been kickin it wit her over break to keep me from getting into trouble, well that and the fact the we get along really well. anywayz i met her brother back in september and like he told me he had this crush on me. well thing is im not trying to have a boyfriend, he's my best friends brother, and i dont like him like that, so i told him that and he said it was cool that we'd just keep it like it has been, a really cool friendship. well i met cami's cousin johnny in november and he likes me too. He's cute but like i said im not trying to get into a relationship. so joel, her brother, called me tonight wanting to kick it and i was like sure whatever and then all of a sudden he was like no "because cami told me not to holla at you and cause johnny is trying to holla at you" and im like "what we cant kick it as friends" People are just so freaking dramatic. i cant stand drama and yet it seems to follow me everywhere, family, school, work, friends. its so....................stupid. well good thing is i get to leave in a couple of hours and i wont have to worry about it for a few days.... hopefully. anyways im kinda upset cause i didnt get to see cami tonight before i leave and its all because my sister begged me to go to a hooka bar with her just to "see it", needless to say i ended up sitting in my car for a half an hour while my sister, my cousin , and my sisters boyfriend smoked. retarded i know. I mean here i am trying to actually do something with my life besides sit around and drink and smoke and be a ho which is exactly what i used to do, and now its the hardest thing to not do it. and its not because of my friends influence, cause honestly i dont kick it with those people anymore, sidenote: i tried to kick it with an old friend that i havent seen since like highschool but he is to occupied to remember to call me back. anyways i know that im not going to drink or smoke or be a ho ever again because the consequences far outweigh the rewards (I might add there are very few of them if any) but its hard to go against what your body is saying. I mean its like my minds tellin me no..... but my body, my body's telling me yeah........ its so hard to not just give in. well when i did step into the hooka bar just to see what the fuss was about, which was nothing really, i realized something.... That i dont belong. and im not saying that i cant fit in or im not cool or not in the "in" crowd. but rather that my mind thinks differently now. I no longer see smoking as something to jus do for fun, I see it as a spit in God's face. i mean He's brought out of so much, healed me of impossible things, things that if i told you you'd think i was absolutely insane, He's delivered me from feelings of self hatred and suicide which i felt after something horrible happened to me. He looked at me and i ravished his eyes and His face turned toward me not in disgust, which i deserved, but in love. I mean he Chose me. I really dont know why tho, i mean im intelligent but definately not the brightest crayon in the box, im not really that beautiful, im lazy and im a screwup. I guess..........well actually i just dont know..... but i do know this, ill be damned if i ever go back to my party lifestyle of before. there is nothing there for me but rape and death..... literally

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