that I can't even think. Have you ever felt like that? It pretty much only happens when I'm at home with my mom. My dad doesn't frustrate me, he'll just piss me off and I feel like I have a strong grasp on that emotion. But frustration is all together a different beast for me to tackle. Its a mix of almost repressed anger, and pitty for me. The only time I get like this is with my mother. My mother, for lack of better phrasing, likes to drink. I'm not talking sloppy drunk (although she *has* been that way, its just not an all the time thing) but just like, buzzed enough to make her say and do stupid things. I have a lot of feelings about my mother, all of which I hate talking about, and even thinking about. But, I'm just going to face them head on as I go. I feel like I'm the offspring of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. There is a set time where you can notably tell a change in her demeanor. It's 6pm almost exactly on the dot anymore. My dad notices it too. We've gotten to the point of screaming matches many a time, and she's gone as far as to kick me out of the house, while not remembering she did so the next day. The one instance in my life that will always stick out the most is, I was probably 9 or 10. We were at my parent's friend's party one night. My mom and I were sitting around a bonfire and she decided she was going to get up to get another drink. I think nothing of it, but she slowly gets up, and almost falls into the fire, but I pulled her back just in time. I know it doesn't sound so big, but I feel like I've always been taking care of her when she's had too much to drink. She's even been so inconsiderate as to leave when getting pissed at my dad and not have the decency to tell us where she is. I'm thinking that she's out driving around or something and flipping my shit. I just kept thinking about how if she's driving, she's going to kill someone, or herself. She is the reason I'm not too big on drinking and probably never will be. I don't mind it, I just don't like the effect it has on people. Every party I'm at people refer to me as the "mother" because I'm constantly going around to people to make sure that they are okay. I just feel the burden of my mother, even when I'm with friends.
I just really don't know how to go about this in a healthy way anymore. I pretty much just make sure I'm not home, and if I am I'm in the computer room listening to music because I don't want to hear her.

It feels a little better to get this off my chest, and I probably sound like I'm just whining, and I'm sorry if it comes off that way. But, I don't know what else to do, but to not bottle it up anymore.

Buh.

Keep on keepin' on.

In that regard, MIT is definitely my first choice. It's only if I don't get in there that I start running into problems.
» middaymoon on 2009-11-08 10:53:50

Why is it always the mother?
Mine is the same way. You communicate the issue more clearly than I do, though. :]
» Unicornasaurus on 2009-11-08 11:47:24

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