Staring up, everlasting.

That's how I wished to be.

I wished to take his place. It's place.

The heat was pouring down on me. Sweat drenched my in and out.
Unfortunately it wasn't that warm...

His cold, empty eyes pierced the sky. Pierce the sky.
Of course, the ground first...

It hurt.
Deep.
I haven't felt this pain in months.
It was ridiculous. It was retarded. Out of all things this shouldn't be what gets to me.
Not this.
I'm a fool.
Foolish for letting myself hope and care.
Foolhearted for feeling so much for something like this...


I opened the door and peaked at him.
His head was sticking slightly out the hole in the cage. Maybe he had been trying to get out. But he didn't look well. No, not well at all.

"The vet isn't in. He's only here when he has appointements. Would you like to set up an appointment?"
I looked at the pet-carrier and back at the receptionist.
"What time is your next available appointment?" I asked.
"2:45" she responded.
I looked at my watch. It was 9:30.
"...allright."

Maybe if he just drinks some water...
I put the water bottle up to his mouth.
Water dripped on the floor.
None was swallowed.
He looked at me. With those eyes... Those eyes.

The look. You never forget the look.
It's a sort of pleading mixed with sorrow and surrendering.
I stuck his head back in the cage.
I opened the cage door and pet him.
Come on, buddy. Just make it till 2:45.

I had called Helena so she could do me a favor when I had left the vet's office.
All the other vets in Fort Worth are by appointment only also.
One doesn't even see rabbits except on certain days because of his allergies.

I checked my watch.
It's 11:45.
I pet his head.
Then he breathed hard once.
Twice.
And a last time.

I stared.
I pet him.
I felt... nothing.

I looked at my door.
The vet.
I thought of punching it.
No. My anger wouldn't cease there.
And one hole in my door is enough.
The next would surely break it.

I called Helena.
I told her to cancel that appointment and hung up.
I didn't want to think about it.

I still hadn't showered.
I went to my bathroom and began to shower.
I hope none of my neighbors heard me.
The window was open.
Flashes went through my head of all I've come to lose.
In my life these things aren't few.
And it only promises more.
And the ones to come will be the most difficult of losses to come.

I cleansed myself as much as possible of all my filth.
In the end you're never trully clean, though.
Calm and cool, though.
Stoic, even.

I got dressed.
And went out to my backyard.
I found my shovel.
Right where I had left it last.
Where do I bury him?
Most of the places where already occupied.
...or previously occupied.
Probably rotted away and eaten by now.
Delicious food for the earth that craves life.
Hard to find a spot amidst all the roots.
"Everywhere I lie, there's a dirty great root sticking into my back."
And I wanted him to rest so I kept looking and digging.
I found a place between three trees.
I dug.
Earthworms wriggled as they were torn from the comfort and protection of their homes.
Went back to the garage.
Tried to get him out.
I couldn't.
It was too difficult...
During that short time his body had already become rigid and stiff.
I carried the cage out to his place.
Gently, I pushed his body into the living ground.

He stared up at me.
No.
He didn't.
He just stared.
Into nothing.

The sun beat down all in spots amidst the trees.
I took a picture.
I don't know why.
So, I would never forget I guess.
Though you never really can, I guess.
I then poured the moist earth on him.


Later that night I stared at my cieling.
Knowing he did the same.


Staring up.
Everlasting.

Hey, I'm so sorry. I used to raise rabbits, so I've been in your situation more times than I'd like to remember. When they're at that stage, there isn't much the vet can do for them. : . And where I live, you have to bury them very deep and put a big rock over the grave, or the foxes or coyotes pull them right out. Many times I have come out to see that the grave has been excavated. But it's ok. When your spirit is gone, your body is just an empty husk. All that was "you" is no longer in those eyes anymore. Here's a poem I think you might like:

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=11019
» Zanzibar on 2007-05-11 09:15:52

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what I would do if my sweet little buddha bunny died....You can be his internet god dad if it will make you feel at all better. He's my best friends god bunny too because her roomates dog brutally murdered one of her bunnies. She's had horrible luck with bunnies and she loves them so. What kind of bunny was he? How long had you had him?
» lyndeep on 2007-05-11 11:21:09

It's not ridiculous or retarded.
I'm so sorry.
» Sarah on 2007-05-14 12:12:00

Aww that's so sad! :( I'm sorry! Poor bunny!
» Kirei on 2007-05-15 11:04:41

Sigh
I had a similar experience with my hamster and no I am not mocking you. I think my baby had a stroke and she died in my hands. She gasped desperately for air before taking her final breath and I just helplessly watched. Who the hell is going to cure a hamster? They totally need an animal ER in Fort Worth.
» Crimson26 on 2007-05-21 12:40:58

Yes cannot be!
Look at me! phentermine no prescription Bravo, seems to me, is a remarkable phrase valium online I like this phrase :) clomid ovulation Do not take to heart! tramadol ultram I congratulate, very good idea kamagra oral jelly 7ba54c
» Antonio (118.98.212.242) on 2010-09-06 01:22:34

cialis generic cialis Demon rum Reviews in behalf of Erectile Dysfunction
Con aside woubTrow around generic cialis prescription
I'm 67, had ruffle sustaining in predestined positions and quite some worry mixed in there. generic cialis no prescription works a look after, on the verge of too comfortably! From to make an effort not to persuade impenetrable when honourable for all to see and about poignant each other. Has lifted a bulky mass in error my mind. Expensive, but on a per [url=http://genericonlinemd.com]generic cialis online[/url] troche price, is okay value it. Principled skip another luxury you be struck by in your lifestyle for this.
Raiting of generic cialis canada: 50.
700 users institute this note helpful. Did you?
» cheap generic cialis (77.122.5.34) on 2013-08-05 08:57:02

Name.

URL.

[to enter your email, use "mailto:[email protected]"]
Subject.

Comment.

Word verification.

Copy the first 4 characters only.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.