danny_bahena's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

the threes stages of stress. i'm sure everyone is looking for meaning in their lives..
but i wish i knew how everyone else is handling it. all i have is what i can assume
from everyone else's smiling faces, but i know even appearances can't pierce the
delicately, subtle skin of the soul. i feel as if my own soul has been rotting away at
my own indifference to move it from the dry sun of apathy and cleanse it in a bath of
motivation. but i feel like i'm stranded in the middle of the desert, and all my friends
i used to have to call on are no longer responding to my cries for help or rescue from
this dreary spot i can't help myself to move from. agoraphobic, locked in my own room
all day for days at a time until i find some reason to leave this house to make a quick
trip to the nearby 7-11 down the road or to the casino when i'm left all out of hope.
this existence is cruel, and my innerself is screaming with every scorching ray of
emptiness from this dry sun and lonely climate.. mirages don't even come in my own
dreams anymore, i can't even imagine being found in this desert and finding my way
back to some sense of reason for even being here in the first place.

i decided a very long time ago to preserve what i had left of my deteriorating soul,
and i went through months and sometimes years where i was able to strengthen
what few values i had to make life feel more meaningful..but it's times like these
where you find yourself all back in this state of solitude that ruined your life in the
first place. that feeling you get when you're crying inside and only yearn for the
slightest acknowledgement or the least hint of affection, but you know no one will
ever respond to your emotions when you're stuck a thousand miles in the middle
of the scorching desert with no soul in sight. i can go through days in each week
calling every friend i have in my phone, and only make one step toward progress
by the hundredth attempt..and that's still not even enough, cuz one outting is
only enough to remind me of how miserable the rest of my days alone in this room
will be once i realize how it felt to be out of this desert again and shortly after
thrown back right into it for another long period of solitude until another responds
to my S.O.S. i guess in the end, i'm supposed to learn some lesson from this..but
i think i'm just learning more how to despise my existence and find different ways
to numb away this pain after exhausting all means of coping with it. spirituality,
i have a lot of faith in my creator and the souls who watch over me.. but i know
enough that they can't do much in my situation to help me anymore than i can..
i'm making the calls, trying to reach out to anyone so that i can be found, but it's
not my decision to be acknowledged or not by others.. i feel as if i've exceeded
even desperation, and that reaches the point of indifference.. given up hope.

after months, lost and stranded in this desert, where i put myself i might add.. i
began to notice that i kept calling for rescue in denial that no one will respond,
after experiencing months where no one actually ever did respond..and i've dealt
with so much pain and emptiness that i even began to panic by trying to numb
away at the core of this loneliness..but i only made things worse.. and now i must
come to accept this state as a burden to my existence.. or more like, my existence
is the burden that causes this state of solitary confinement, and i would rather
cease to be than to be the cause of this burden any longer.. my words have been
written, and my soul can now be at ease that it has spoken, and my existence can
continue to bleed in solitude as i dig my own grave in the vast sands of time as i
find myself wandering every inch of this desert drying up so hard that i may soon
become one with these sands as my body and soul rot to dust. help me or end me.

making my way through this entry was hard sinfce there were no line breaks, but I hope you will gain a few friends who yuo won't have to reach out to to be acknowledged: they'll acknowledge you anyway. I believe those kinds of people are rare, and that even when you do have a friend you think is close, they can do stuff to shatter your world. Friendship.. odd thing. You let someone become your friend, you give them the power to hurt you. But without friends, you're hurting anyway y'a know? I just trust in God.. dunno if you do, but I hope things work out for you Danno'.
» Dilated on 2006-03-18 11:23:36

Apology
Sorry for missing all of your calls (due to work, hospital visits to a sick friend, school, or church--trust me I was really in the middle of one of these). But I'm more sorry for not returning your calls, because if I wasn't doing one thing, I was on my way to do another...life is busy, but I'm sure you already know that. I'm not sure everyone is "handling it" (I'm quoting you), maybe they/we just rely on something bigger, you know, like just believing that there's a higher force that is in control of everything, and everything we're going through is leading to something else, so it's all meant to happen in the end...bigger picture. Anyway... I'm sorry about being busy & whatnot. I have finals this week (20-24). Call me if you still love me, haha.
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