Adda Mabalina

My dad has cheated on my mom on and off my whole life. He also doesn’t cook or clean. Most times, he has left plates on the table after his meal is finished, expecting my mom to clean up after him. He never truly respected my mom. Despite this, as my mom’s health declines, I have seen my dad step up. Their vows said in sickness and in health…but it seems my dad is only there for my mom in sickness. As I told my therapist, I am not sure if I can call what my parents have for eachother is love…it could be codependency. But what I do know is, the relationship my parents have with eachother is NOT enough for me. I expect so much more out of my relationship now.

And then, in therapy, Chris came up. My first relationship. I sat there telling my therapist about our relationship. I paid for everything, I cleaned the house, I cooked for us. And in the end, my deal breaker was only to leave if he ever cheated on me. Thank God he did…because I don’t think I would be who I am now without him ever doing that. And my therapist pointed something out…in a way I was reliving the dynamic my parents have with eachother. My mom gave everything to my dad on a silver platter. And…I did the same for Chris. I was with him for five, almost six years. I thought we were best of friends! And in a sense we were. We talked all the time. And I cherished that connection we had SO MUCH, that I willingly gave all of my self to keep it. I remember thinking “no one has this connection me and Chris have. It’s worth it.” The reality? I have never seen my mom and dad enjoy talking to eachother. The reason I thought Chris and I’s relationship was special, was because a healthy relationship was never modeled in front of me. I cherished our deep conversations because I craved connection with another human being.

I look back, and early twenties Daneva deserved so much more. So much more from myself. Breaking up with Chris, it was the first time I learned self respect. And it was the first part of my healing journey.

There’s a scene in Grey’s Anatomy. Burke left Christina at the alter. When she finally sees he is gone, she cries out “I’m free” She pleads Meridith to rip the wedding dress off of her. When she finally gets it off, she takes the most satisfying, yet heart breaking sigh of relief. That was how I felt when Chris moved out. Free.

And I’ve been free ever since.