Adda Mabalina

I look back on my own personal growth, and I am so proud of myself.

I was always so codependent.

I grew up in church. Spiritually is a beautiful thing, and it gives so many people life and promise. I was happy in church, for the most part. But I look back, and I was codependent on god to make me feel whole. I think that’s the whole point of religion though, that we aren’t whole without God. I don’t want to debate anyone, I truly believe that religion can be a light for people in the darkness. I also believe it can make people grow in compassion and love. But in my experience as well, I always felt so codependent on God’s love and acceptance of me. I saw myself as incomplete. I am a sinner. I am damned to hell for lust. I needed saving. It’s as if somehow, my desire to be loved by god (or what I thought god was) increased my insecurities in myself.

After I lost my religion and my believes about who god was and how to serve him, I became codependent on Chris. I looked to him for acceptance as I am. I turned to him when I felt sad or weak. He accepted me in many ways that I couldn’t accept myself.

I realize I’ve been codependent in the past in order to function. ”Am I okay God? I am okay the way I am? Cool, thank you!” After religion was out of the picture, I would ask Chris: “Am I okay Chris? Am I okay the way I am? Cool, thank you!” I wanted validation all the time. I hated myself and the decisions I would make. I felt small in many cases. I didn’t respect myself or my boundaries. I would choose the codependent life in order to find acceptance and love.

I’ve grown now, and I am not religious anymore. I am also 2 years out from my relationship with Chris. As I am growing, I am learning to love myself more. Instead of hating pieces of me, I am learning to accept those pieces. And if I don’t? Instead of self hatred, and looking for reassurance that I’m okay I have decided to change. Or atleast, try to change. Maybe it’s part of growing up. Maybe I went through a lot in order to find myself. I don’t know who I am yet, but I am on a journey to find out.

There’s some things in my life that have been going on that I would like to share with you all, but I’ll save it for another time. what I do want to say is, is that I have decided to break the cycle of my codependency. And I choose to love myself as I grow into the person I want to be.

Wish me luck,
Daneva T.