Tuesday. 7.13.10 12:51 pm
I've always considered myself an optimist. But I guess we all have our moments of darkness every now and then. Mine came towards the end of last year - maybe around September - and lasted until maybe January of this year. It was almost unreal how everything seemed to take on a different light in those last few months.
I suppose it was a combination of graduating, moving back home, leaving my job of 5 years and trying to find my place in the world that amounted to my lapse into mental and emotional instability and seclusion.. I mean not like crazy town or anything, but more in line with a reality check and making my way towards an uncertain future.
For the longest time, all I knew was a hectic schedule; school, work, the occasional social event, rinse and repeat. Looking back, college was very much an awesome experience, albeit one that left me a bit jaded for a while. Upon graduation, I thought I would be able to carry on friendships that persisted throughout my UCSD career, but unfortunately that is very much not true. As with any type of relationship, to be a friend requires effort on both ends, and if one side is doing more than the other, than it's only inevitable that the person doing more will get tired and just stop one day. I guess I could say that's what happened to me.
A lot of it also boils down to personality. I'm a guy who would really like to be your friend if you allow me, but like I said, it takes time to develop a meaningful, long-lasting, real friendship. In that way, I suppose a lot of the people I came across at UCSD were there for the moment and only a select few would persist to the degree that I would really consider them friends nowadays; every one else at this point is an acquaintance.
Do I keep in touch with people? Sure I do. But it's become fewer and farther between. My best friend added a bit of her own honest sauce into the mix when she had a tangential situation where someone from high school tried to hit her up and see what she was up to. She told me over a phone call with regards to this person, "if you haven't spoken to me in years what makes you want to speak to me now?" and "what makes you think I would want to speak with you? " Yeah, it sounds kind of harsh but she does have a point. Yes, things may happen in a person's life where it may take something drastic for someone to try to reconnect with you, but in her case, this guy wasn't even in the same social circle as she was; just the same high school.
Anyway I digress. Other than the friends/acquaintances deal, I also chose to distance myself from certain individuals because I felt it was within my best interest to do so, as much as it kind of did hurt. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes people want to be your friend, other times they just want to get into your pants. Being the guy that I am I played myself into some of those predicaments, but I'm not a friends with benefits kind of guy. I sincerely and honestly want to be a friend should you allow me to be.
Ah well that's life for you. I just got to live it up and continue to be fearless in my decision making. It's for the best Marc.
Categories: personal thoughts [t], random ramblings [t]
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