Friday. 4.25.08 11:53 am
Have you ever felt alone? Like you want to reach out and speak to someone, but it seems like there's no one around who can listen? Through these past couple of years, I've done my best to express how I feel so that it doesn't well up inside me and consume my thoughts and emotions, but sometimes I feel as if I have no choice but to internalize my feelings because I can't find any way to open myself to anyone else.
I always say I love to sing. I sing because it makes me happy. I sing because it takes me away from the real world, even for a short while. But the feeling is bittersweet. More often than not, I sing because it is one of the only ways I can relieve the pain that I go through. I'm not good with people, and a lot of the times I find myself quiet in an otherwise bustling room of verbage and conversation. At times I feel torn because I want to communicate, but there is always something holding me back. Maybe it's just my personality; I'm naturally quiet and kept to myself. Forcing myself to be otherwise is a struggle and unnatural. I get all mechanical and artificial and that's never a good thing.
Being in a complicated "relationship" also does not makes things any easier. I am single, and I've already accepted that. But at the same time, I feel like I'm chained to my so-called 'ex'. I've made mistakes in this almost five year relationship I admit, but I'm not the one who called it quits because I was unhappy. I still wanted to keep going, be strong for the both of us. But now, after about a month or so of being apart, do I really want to recommit myself to something that brings slight happiness, but the baggage and burden of the mistakes that will always blight any chance of a fresh start? I feel like I owe it to this person for standing by my side through some of the darkest parts of my young adult life, but if I'm unhappy with the way things are, how will that even work? Time seems to be a factor here, and although we both go to the same university, I don't graduate for at least another year, and they graduate in two months. We're so close physically, but so distant at the metaphorical level. Is it only at their convenience that the relationship will work? Because seriously, I'm not down with that kind of shit.
Maybe I just need someone else to spark an otherwise dwindling flame. Who knows...
Categories: personal thoughts [t]
I know how you feel... actually, I know a book that you might like. It's called: "The Sucess Principles: how to get from where you are to where you want to be" by Jack Canfield, the founder of the ever popular 'chicken soup for the soul' books. » jinyu
on 2008-04-25 10:33:35
I'm quite like you because I really won't say much unless someone else talks to me but I could be really really noisy when I'm with those I for some time.
There are things that you just dont know who to trust the information with. When that time comes, I'll write them down on paper then I'll burn or throw it away. or on other less emotional problems, I'd blog about it. Singing is indeed one was to express emotions even when no one's around. I do that sometimes when it rains heavily so that I don't disturb other people.
I don't know how this will help but I'd say if there is no one else you can turn to, there's always NuTang? » Nuttz
on 2008-04-25 11:25:08
I know the feeling. There are some days when I'm so withdrawn that virtually nothing can snap me out of it. I don't really feel like talking to anyone, I just want to go home and be by myself.
But those are only some das, I can't imagine what it must be like to feel that EVERYDAY, or close to it. Does this center around your past relationship? Even if not conciously, it might be effecting you. I dunno, just judging by the way you ended the blog, it sounds like you're searching for someone else to fill the void.
If that's what you need then go for it, just don't let the past slow you down. What's over is over, and it's probably over for a reason. » The-Muffin-Man
on 2008-04-26 03:56:07
Everyone at one point in their lives has felt this way. I love to sing as well, and sometimes it seems like it's the only thing that get's be through the pain. Just keep your head up high. There's always someone willing to listen, even if it's just your fellow Nutang peeps :) Keep singing your little heart out! Don't let these few things darken your spirit. Remeber the good things that remain in your life and the good things that are to come. Even the small things can mean the world and make an impact :) » Midnight
on 2010-07-12 08:27:53
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