bcmst3000's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

[chorus]
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]
-Linkin Park, Given Up, Minutes to midnight

word. Im so tired of peoples' fuckin bullshit. i tried to compromise and put up with bullshitting myself. honestly i lasted alot longer than i thought i would. but now i secede. i give up. i can only handle so much bullshit at once. im tired. tired of waiting, tired of changing my schedule, my habits, my mood, my outlook. fuck that. if there was some output in return then it would be worth it and i would continuew to do so. but i find nothing...

so fine, thats how it is, im trackin. but dont bullshit me about it. goddamn i hate bullshit more than anything. i would rather be punched in the mouth than lied to. ive had both; the punch heals. you know what hurts and why. but with bullshit you have no idea. other peoples shit turns you against yourself. then its you and your own brain fighting, debating, trying to trust and hope, and to follow up my 'me vs. brain' piece i think i have a winner which is...

fuck this bullshit. bam, there it is all pink and naked and it feels great. its sad how finally giving in and saying fuck this feels so much better. usually im a stubborn asshole and won't quit anything, regardless of how it pains me. but im realizing more every day that each day i continue this bullshit because of 'hope' im quitting again. and i tried, like i said. thought maybe another side would come out or id grow or find something new about myself. nope. nothing new. i STILL hate bullshit, go figure.

all ive realized is that everyone will bullshit you at some point. like i said ive tried the hope and trust thing and look where its put my. just as cynical and and doubtful of humanity as ever before. so i guess thank you for that. now i know EVERYONE is 100% full of shit. i guess i never didnt know that, just hoped it wasnt true. and hope is fun while it lasts, but thats like fooling yourself that this milkshake will last forever, when you know it wont. it feels great while you drink it then its gone and youre left with the cold dark reality: no milkshake. ok, bad analogy but the point remains im justified in hating everyone again. i though, maybe i only think everyone is full of shit, then i meet people who seem to be honest and trustworthy, but it turns out theyre a little less full of shit so it maybe only comes up every now and then.

so you may think 'hey thats not so bad' fuck that. if youre full of shit, then youre full of shit. theres no middle ground. i tried being full of shit and it physically depressed me. i cant do it. and i have to sever myself from the people who are ok with it. hartmans an asshole, but hes not full of shit, so hes by far my closest friend here. Jason, john, thrad, all crazy in their own ways, but none of em are full of shit. jason especially, physically smokes crack, but not full of shit. john is crippled and has downs syndrome and i would much rather hang out with him then the people who are full of shit. whereas he wont stimulate me mentally which i love to be, he also wont fucking lie to me and pretend to be something to me which he doenst want to be. or do the other possiblity which is saying he WANTS to be something and making, wait let me add this: 34 + 32 + q +5 = 0, ok, so absolutely NO fucking effort to be what it is he 'claims' he wants to be.

both are retarded in their own way. if he really wanted to be something, but didnt do anything to make it happen, then either he doesnt know how to (not applicable) or hes completely lazy. which im all on board for lazy, but if laziness wins then you dont really want it that bad which puts you back in the full of shit in saying you want something but really dont. and why do it? to appease me? when all i ever say is how much i hate bullshit? fuck that tell me from the door to fuck off. itll suck more at first but then ill realize youre a dick and move on alot faster than this bullshit. fuck this bullshit.