I won't be back till like ten thirty, tomorrow night, and then all I'm going to want to do is sleep, so I'm typing this now to avoid the suffering later.

Tomorrow (well...today) is a giant day! I'm riding to campus an hour early to print out these reading notes, because we have this "group presentation" in History tomorrow, where basically we all do the reading and then we just casually talk about it to the class? But, we're the last section, so everyone else has already gone, and in each of those instances, someone from each group has come unprepared.

NOT IN MY GROUP. I'm printing out four copies because I'm not talking more than I have to. I had to make the notes for myself anyway, so why not just bring them in and be like HERE DON'T MESS IT UP?

No warning means they aren't depending on my work, so it feels okay. We get a group grade. I am not getting a B. Sorry.

Anyway, I have about three and a half hours between my last morning class and the stuff I'm helping out with at work (is it paid? I don't know), so that's when I'll study for my lab practical. It's going to be easy, since my latest lab partner, Jack, is the most pragmatic person on the planet (read: Chemistry major), and helped clear up anything I didn't understand (I responded by doing all the math, after he told me that the diameter measurement was a radius ("I PASSED CALC 2," he told me, like that made the math he was doing any better--step aside)). This is the first time I'm not scared of my practicals. Still, a bit of healthy studying is much needed. Three and half hours of it.

After that, work help, and then I'll have an hour to study for the biology pop quiz that she hasn't announced but I know she's going to give because...I don't know, I just feel it. You know? You feel it when a professor's about to toss a steaming pile your way.

--And then biology, and then the practical.

And then I ride home around ten thirty. Maybe I'll pick up a sandwich during my practical study time so I can go right to sleep, when I get home, and maybe not die.

Next day, it starts all over. Class, gap to prepare for meeting, work helping, more gap to prepare, meeting, then home around 5:30. I start my days around 7am, so I'm not really sure how I've been making it to all my classes, completed homework, study guides, notes, and flashcards in hand.

...Actually, yeah I am sure. I made all my notecards for test 2 in Spanish, so now I just study them all before class to prepare for the day's lesson. My other Spanish class, I went ahead, one weekend, and finished all the homework on the syllabus for the whole semester. I read my bio notes every night. Now all that's left is the reading, the essays, the unexpected homework, and the lab work.

This is the silver lining. Nights like tonight, when I don't know that he's changed his profile picture, and I curiously scroll over an unfamiliar icon on my page, and it expands, and there's his name, and there's his face...nights like tonight, I study extra hard, because I'm not about to concentrate on my feelings, when they're in the state that they're in. Nights like tonight are improved by a paper worth each and every of those hundred points, by the test that I don't have to scramble to study for. Nights like tonight, I need to have something that overshadows him, and being proud of myself does that.

I like working. I do. And I do it just for that, and the gratification I get from being the best. But, sometimes, I do way more than I have to, just to avoid leaving the library and risking the possibility of running into him and his stupid face.

So there's my unraveling sweater of an entry. I know my emotional stuff is kind of weird. It's just one of those things that comes in waves--some days, I don't think about him at all, and I'm really okay, and I feel so unburdened, but then other nights...it's quite different. I still haven't spoken to him. Sometimes, it gets difficult to refrain, but I just try to stay patient with myself and ask myself, again, how much pain I would be in, if I had to be the female friend who stands by and watches as he finds and falls for someone else.

And I'm not going to be that, so here we are.

YAY working! YAY being the best!

As for the tupperware, I would just let it go. Tupperware doesn't cost that much, eh? I'd buy you one myself if the French had invented Tupperware yet. I think you can close that door.
» Zanzibar on 2013-02-18 08:26:52

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.