Funny I should mention that particular shirt, in the last entry.

My life is really busy. I have two jobs, I volunteer once a week, and I'm taking on eighteen hours per semester...and that still probably isn't enough to get me out of undergrad on time. I'm constantly learning one semester ahead so that, when it starts to get really, really hard, I at least have some sort of knowledge basis. My tumblr dashboard is composed of a couple of friends' pages and several medical tumblr pages, with sketches of tendons, bones, and vessels, and links to old medical books about malformed hearts and other oddities (which I download and consume on a regular basis). I read psychology magazines in my spare time, and probably average five hours per night on sleep. I work out two hours, six days per week, and love to read Japanese literature, as of late.

So.

REALLY BUSY.

(Point being?)

The point of all this, my dears, is that I don't have a terribly large amount of time for...well...people. So I kind of wish that there was this awesome type of relationship where I could NOT talk to the guy for weeks--sometimes months--and still come right back to where we left off. THAT, for some reason, IS MY IDEAL.

...Probably because it always works for me! I wander back when I need the extra cuddling and romance...then I wander away again! Very easy concept, don't understand why barely anyone else wants this. Of course there are conversations in between, but I just don't...NEED more than that.


Sure, okay, fine, the idea of coming home each night and crawling into bed with someone else is...nice-sounding. It sounds nice. Nice it sounds, as Yoda would say. But just...

I feel so limited in my own ability to go out into the world, when I have someone else attached to me. I hardly enjoyed Italy at all, when I went, because I was in a relationship with someone and was constantly worrying about his feelings and keeping in touch with him. I hardly enjoy conversations with the same person, if they're so regular, too...it doesn't matter who it is. I see their patterns of speech and start to expect the responses, and it just drives me to insanity, after a while (the problem with a photographic memory--if our main mode of communication is text, I remember everything they've ever sent, and statistics start to reveal themselves; it even bothers me to read my own writing).

So either someone needs to learn to keep up with me and kind of come and go as he pleases, too, or I need to learn to deal with anchors on this particular boat.

--Because, let's be honest, I'm out at sea in every sense of the phrase.

--Just...now is not the time for any sort of emotional connections. Now is not the time to start having feelings. The time now is not.



...SO DON'T LET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDS CALL YOU "MY BOY." NOT EVEN WHEN THEY'VE BEEN DRINKING.




(I told my dad I declared psychology with a pre-health major, tonight, everyone, and he surprised me. His whole face lit up. He and I talked for hours about the medical field and psychology/psychiatry as they are today. I'm so thrilled.)

Nobody wants that because it's awful, haha! If you're busy you don't need to be getting into relationships, because by definition they're supposed to be about you showing love to someone else, and if you're wrapped up in your school you won't be able to do that. Go without cuddles? :x
» middaymoon on 2012-02-22 07:31:58

P.S. some guys in my fraternity talk about cuddles almost as much as you do, which is weird when it's book-ended by them straight-up degrading ladies. Also, your dad's reaction is awesome.
» middaymoon on 2012-02-22 07:34:12

ARE YOU GOING TO BE A DOCTOR???? OR A PSYCHIATRIST?

Because I was all excited about you being a mathematician, but I am also excited about you being a doctor. With a photographic memory you could be like Dr. House and diagnose all kinds of crazy ailments because you would remember everything from the books and all of the past cases that you saw or read about. Shazaaaam. Or you could be like one those people in Contagion who study the spread of infectious diseases. Woah. Or you could be like this crazy psychiatrist who fixes people's brains. I remember a couple entries back you talking about wanting to do that. Sweet.

As for relationships, why don't you be single for a while? You're busy, you're getting ahead, you're young. If you do little romances or relationships now you're just going to break a lot of guys' hearts, because the relationship isn't your focus. It's fine for two people to *say* that they're going to be casual about something, but in about 99% of the cases, one person is *less* casual than the other, and hearts get broken. They might *say* that they're ok with cuddles every now and then, but actually you're tearing their poor hearts into tiny shreds over protracted periods of time. Boys have feelings too! Much better to platonically hug your gal-pals and concentrate on conquering the world until you feel ready to be in a relationship.

Source: Someone who wrote an entry somewhat similar to this several years ago........
» Zanzibar on 2012-02-22 08:20:44

ps-- a good way to reject someone:
"I'm sorry, I'm married to the sea"
» Zanzibar on 2012-02-22 08:21:30

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