Monday. 8.24.20 1:04 am
"--But when I watch one of them, later, jumping and singing along with his favorite band in the pouring rain, and see that candy-sweet joy and abandon, I wonder if The Void shouldn't beckon me just a bit more."
I woke up to find myself floating in The Void.
My future marriage dust at my feet, I'd gone through the motions of seeking out a new partner, before realizing that wasn't The Way. I went to therapy but couldn't move forward, couldn't let myself live in the truth and start healing. I kept explaining myself, and negotiating myself, and abandoning myself, and ignoring myself. I kept researching my decisions; polling for the right move; hesitating in the absence of an absolute, objective truth.
And then I was there, suspended in nothing, by nothing.
At some point, you have to pay attention to the elephant in the room. Without the usual distraction of dating, socializing, travel, I found myself with all this time. I don't think it was intentional, that I'd never had time before; I think I'd wanted to build real relationships to feel like I had my network, because part of me knew: There was this creeping sense that I was coming up on something cavernous and starving.
That something, as it turned out, was me.
Here's something I never thought I would say: I found myself during a heart chakra meditation, furious and untrusting, trapped like a rabbit, small.
I told my new therapist, who I'd hired specifically because she didn't make me feel comfortable or like I was speaking with a friend. She said, "I think you might have had a breakthrough," and I believed her, because I don't think I've ever explained something so eerie and transformative before that my hair stood on end and my eyes welled up from putting words to it. Coming across my energy (my intuition, my core, my baseline) and not knowing her turned my body into a haunted house. I was my own poltergeist, hurling unexplored emotions at the walls and pinching myself awake. I was terrified of the face I imagined when the meditation guide instructed me to connect to my heart chakra.
I explained to my therapist, during that session, "I've never seen myself like that. I've never seen myself that angry."
A couple of months have passed; July was a wash, essentially. After finding that missing piece, my life centered only on integrating that piece back into the whole, making sure that it was flowing through me with the rest. I slept 12 hours a day and watched myself become--well. Actually, there's no real adjective to add, there. I just kind of...became.
Decisions became easier--even the big ones--as I started acting from the inside out, rather than from the outside in. I started recognizing myself. I could name my traits, my habits, my beliefs, my desires...which I hadn't even tried to do, before, much less succeeded in. I stopped feeling the need to explain or "sell" myself, and instead trusted that people with the right energy would come to me and love me regardless; that they'd see me for who I am, really--and I might still need to apologize at times, but it would be less frequent that I'd feel the need to explain.
This isn't me in a place where I feel entirely at peace and healed, but this is me clear-headed and feeling. And I am exhausted--not to mention exhausting to everyone around me who still knows me by the old script--and sometimes I still feel the need to reach for solid ground, but the tether I have to myself is the only real stability I need.
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