I sit there on my bed for a long time, occasionally (and repeatedly) uttering the same three words, starting with the words "what" and "the." It's eleven-something at night and I'm in a short, black dress. I haven't even taken my heels off, because I feel the same way I felt right after being in a minor car crash: Stunned. Confused. Not sure how to feel.

I smell faintly of smoke.


Seven twenty in the evening, and we have it all sorted out. The night's itinerary includes food at one of my usual spots and dessert in what I'm pretty sure is both of our favorite spot for sweets. He picks me up and I slide into the passenger seat, feeling tall and generally pretty attractive, and the struggle for parking takes maybe ten minutes or so. We're both clearly nervous, in retrospect, because neither of us has the presence of mind to realize that all meters are free after 6pm. We try to sort out ideas on where to get change.

Dinner is hilarious, because they keep increasing the volume of the music, throughout the night, until we're speaking pretty loudly in order to hear each other. We smoke hookah while we enjoy our meal, and talk about how his entire life plan just dropped out from under him (intentionally on his part) and how, suddenly, he's not going to be disappearing from my life quite like I'd thought.

I'm beaming. I can't help it. I would have supported him either way, but this direction clearly makes him feel more secure and happy with himself. That's what matters.

When the check comes, I look at him like he's just transformed into the entire cast of The Brady Bunch and started reenacting the special tiki curse special. He has taken the check.

So...wait...

--But I just smile, thank him, and decide on paying for dessert at our next destination.

Meanwhile dessert is kind of...weird. I don't know what to say about that, other than that I left feeling really weird about it for no discernible reason. I don't know if it's the hookah or if it has just been a long time, but I glance up, at one point, and realize what he actually looks like. You know what I'm saying? Like, you see someone and they just look like them, usually, and you don't put too much thought into it, until there's this one moment when you look at someone and actually see them. He totally busts me for staring and doesn't seem to get it, when I explain. That may have added to me not loving dessert. Either way, we get out of there relatively quickly and head back to the car, for a short drive back to my house.

He pulls up halfway into the driveway and I ask him if he's coming in, because that's what we do, and it's only 11pm.

"No."

"...No?"

He proceeds to tell me that the reason we're out on this date is because he wants to see if there's anything there, with us, other than the obvious camaraderie and snuggley attraction stuff.

My face probably says a lot at this point, considering that 1. I had no idea it was a date, and 2. I've never been straight up rejected so firmly in my entire life and kind of respect him for that.

I think at some point I, with eyes the size of saucers, say, "Okay," and he walks me to my door, where he then refuses to even kiss me because we're "starting over."

I get a kiss on the nose, and he leaves with my takeout boxes still in his backseat, as I am currently in a state of shock that rivals that of much more extreme circumstances in my life.

I hear him drive away because I'm still standing in the entryway, confused. A three-word repetition starts up. As I struggle to slide a key into the lock, I continue this simple mantra. Walking into my bedroom, I start back up where I left off while walking through the common areas. Burying my face in the mattress, I decide to mix it up with some various one-word exclamations, then swing back around to revisit my earlier thoughts on the matter.

It's 11pm and it's dawning on me that I just had my first date with one of my closest friends of four years.

Will he turn around after the second date and remember that I'm the same person who laughed for like ten minutes, once, when he jumped on an air mattress and it made a farting sound? Will he suddenly be more vulnerable and open, after a couple of dates, or am I going to be working my tush macgush off to get him in a place where either of us could develop feelings? What happens if nothing happens and neither of us feels it? Or, worse, what if only one of us develops feelings?


What happens if everything goes really well and we like each other?



This is my friend. I know y'all say people who cuddle and get mushy etc. can't just be friends, but that's how it's always been and how I've felt for a long time (admittedly, we did start as two people with crushes on one another, but it never got past that). This is so startling and perplexing and I'm just not sure what to do about it.

I'm not against it, though--I see where he's coming from. This is just really sudden and out of nowhere. I'm not sure how to feel.

So, I'm guessing he was feelin' stuffs before and just didn't say much about it?
» randomjunk on 2014-09-15 04:49:14

heehee
» middaymoon on 2014-09-15 09:35:13

hmm... the chinese have a saying that if u want happiness u got to chase after it.
» renaye on 2014-09-21 08:16:46

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