There has been a lot going on in my life as of late and I need to express it a little bit and I think blogging about it will help me sort out my emotions.

as most of you know, TheThaitanic and I are engaged to be wed and are currently in the process of purchasing a home. We close on the house next Friday! I am getting extremely excited but at the same time, I'm terrified that something is going to go horribly wrong. Or that this house is a mistake and its all going to go to shit as soon as we get it. There is no evidence to support this paranoia but I still can't seem to shake this feeling. Buying a house is a huge commitment for any person. It is going to be the most expensive purchase we will ever make. Considering how great my car buying skills have gone (my car is a money pit and I was too stubborn to make a more responsible decision. That's what I get for buying a car strictly based off its outer shell. Never. again.) I think I have a good reason to be a little nervous. So anyway, house buying is making me extremely edgy.

Then there's this whole marriage thing. My friend just celebrated her two year anniversary with her husband this past July and he just told her a few weeks ago that he wants to leave her. After only two years! Their whole dating time frame was 95% long distance so I knew they had some struggles ahead of them but to just up and quit like that just seems crazy. He says he still loves her and cares about her but he just doesn't want to have to do things like communicate, be considerate before making decisions and having someone depend on him or he on them at all. It just seems extremely selfish and my mind is blown that someone can want something with all their heart one minute and completely change their mind the next. I feel so bad for my friend and I have no idea how to be there for her.

There's also another situation where someone we know wants to leave their husband after spending the last 10 years with him and she's hurting so many people in the process. She just lost her brother recently and she's making huge decisions that are going to change her life forever without thinking clearly about all the consequences involved. Not to mention all the hurt she's caused people in the past for rash decision making. It kills me to see people extremely close to me hurting because of her poor life choices. I've been trying so hard to put my already negative feelings toward her aside but with all this new stuff happening, she's not making it any easier.

Now, none of this makes me question my decision to marry Scott. I mean, I've known he was "the one" after only a few months of dating. and we dated for another 2-1/2 years before the question was popped. Our relationship, despite everything we've been through, has remained strong. Always. I would do absolutely anything for Scott and sacrifice so much for his happiness. I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with him, having children together, and growing old right along side him. There is not a doubt in my mind. But I can't help but to start to feel slightly, ever so slightly, insecure because this is the most vulnerable I have ever ever EVER allowed myself to be with someone. and with these marriages all failing around us, again, I just feel a little scared.

I believe and trust that Scott feels the same way about me and loves me very much and would do anything for me but what if he changes his mind in a year. two years. Ten years. its just something really scary to think about. I wonder if the same questions are rising up in his head. I hope not.

So many people have such a negative outlook on marriage whether it be because they feel its outdated, or a waste of time, or if they think getting married is like walking straight into hell. People expect all their problems to be solved magically after getting married. they get into it ill-prepared. People don't take it seriously any more. People get divorced at a drop of a hat. I just don't understand this at all. I take marriage very seriously. I am going to take MY marriage seriously. It has the capacity to be such a beautiful thing! To love someone and have someone to spend the rest of your days with. To learn together, grow together, love together. How can people be so close to this; have all the tools necessary to make it happen and then pass it up so easily?! Its outrageous.

there is a very high probability of you reading this, my love, and I hope when you read about my insecurities that you don't take it the wrong way. I just needed to spell out some of my emotions with all that is happening. Its a lot to take in.

Anyway, I'll probably post again with pictures of our first home! I can't want to start the next part of our journey together however big and (sometimes) scary it might seem.

I do think a lot of the problem with people's marriages is they treat the wedding like the "happily ever after" and not just a continuation of the relationship. As long as there's mutual effort, I think you will have much more success than these friends of yours.
» randomjunk on 2013-09-10 07:15:13

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