I cried at my life group yesterday....in front of EVERYONE!!! SO embarrassing.
For those of you that don't know what a Life Group is...its kind of like what a youth group is for church only...less annoying. (to me at least) Its for spiritual growth and what not and the people I go with are really relaxed and joke around a lot and are really fun. (meaning they're not tight knickered Christians and whatnot)

Anyway...
So normally we eat food...talk....joke around...play a game or something..and then we have the spiritual growth bit...
well we were talking about God's forgiveness and junks and how some people struggle with accepting the simplicity of Gods ability to love unconditionally no matter what.
Then people started sharing things that they did, mistakes made and how awful we treat others at times in our life and how we have harder times forgiving ourselves for those things which prevents us from accepting appreciating and understanding God's forgiveness and blah blah blah...
and I kept thinking about how I felt for the greater majority of the year of 2009...
I made some mistakes at the end of 2008....some HUGE fuck ups...and I never really forgave myself for those mistakes. I went an entire year hating myself -I mean REALLY hating myself. I was disgusted every time I looked in the mirror- feeling completely miserable and guilty while the other people of the world continued to live their lives as if everything was hunky dorey.

I wanted to die.

I burned my legs occasionally because I was too chicken to cut myself. I thought about suicide almost daily....and then one day...I just had enough....and stopped feeling so down and forgave myself for what I had done and moved on with my life.....

anyway...I was telling this to my life group and about how relieved I felt when I was finally able to let all of that guilt go and I just started...crying. I hate crying in public.
But it wasn't a sad cry or a guilty cry. It was a cry of relief. a happy kind of cry. and that makes me happy. ^-^ I haven't told anyone how great I felt when I finally forgave myself and I guess I didn't realize it either until I was telling the story to a whole room full of people. I no longer hate myself and it feels great! ^_^

I DO, however, feel like a blubbering over sensitive idiot....but at least I'm a happy blubbering over sensitive idiot! haha.

^__^
No more of that burden on your shoulders!
Haha, what happens at Life Group, stays in Life Group?
» Mockiller on 2010-03-12 04:43:42

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