he punked out. i'm meeting him tonight. don't really care as to what will happen. he made his decision when he decided to not make it on tuesday. the tone of voice in which i knew to be him no longer exists the way in which i knew oh so well... no matter what passes tonight i will no longer allow him to exist in my realm. i have too many things i need to cherish in the short time that i cannot allow him to muddy my water. i am letting it go. so be it... it's not like i've never done it before and well, i will live.

i erase people. thus is my gift.


and curse...



but the real issue at the moment is that i'm missing home. i had the oddest trigger. i stepped into a store and heard some old music that i hadn't listened to ini quite a while and it just hit me. hit me harder then i ever thought it could. or anything would. it reminded me of so many good times. so much beauty that i had onoce. and i'm not saying i havn't had beauty here it's just that i've been holding home in such contempt that i forgot how much i lvoed it. how many jewls existed in the hate. and now, i'm just reminded. i miss home. i miss my sister, i miss my brother, my home. noah. so much. so so much. this onset of nostalgia might just be a conseqence of being a female but so be it. i can learn from it. i won't hate being home so much. cause theres a part of my that i buried and i shouldn't have. i conformed here. conformed much too much while i should have kept the harder side of me alive....


back to the rock. back to my screams... how i missed it.



it's nice...

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