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The War Against Generic Enemies: Disheartening News from the Front
Friday. 3.2.07 6:47 pm
It has recently been brought to my attention that Jack Bauer has decided to renounce his position as unofficial spokesman for American freedom and democracy, and instead pursue his lifelong dream of aiding terrorists and emboldening our enemies.
Kiefer Sutherland, who plays Jack Bauer on the hit TV docudrama series "24", was recently asked by our prestigious West Point military academy to deliver a speech to our brave and honorable U.S. army cadets. The message? Torture is bad.
And then, in a move that sent devastating shock waves throughout the patriotic community, Mr. Sutherland considered it.
This news comes as a severe disappointment to all good Americans, who have lauded Mr. Sutherland for his formerly beneficial role in educating the public with inspirationally pro-torture messages. His television series, "24", has served as a glorious how-to guide for those citizens who are unfortunate enough to suffer from patriotism-deficiency (a condition which has become increasingly prevalent in the liberal/socialist hotbed of our great nation's east coast).
He was a man who taught by example, airing scenes of his character (Jack Bauer) performing such noble acts as shooting the innocent wife of a potentially guilty man, in an attempt to extract information from him. Not to mention the torture of his brother using quantities of pain-inducement medication capable of inducing cardiac arrest. And who could forget that time he kidnapped the president of the United States and brought him in for "questioning"?
And yet, Mr. Sutherland now seems to be contemplating the possibility of undoing all the good that he has done. If he were to publicly state that, despite the actions of the television character he plays, he does not in fact support the idea of torture... suffice to say, the effects of such a betrayal could be catastrophic.
Of course, there is still the possibility that Mr. Sutherland will turn down the West Point invitation. However, his failure to follow normal patriotic-response protocol (which would call for him to denounce the dean of West Point as a communist spy within 48 hours of receiving the invitation) has left most patriots with little hope.
Thank you, that is all.
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