I really, honestly think I should have never left Tucson. I was financially more secure there. I had no one to deal with at home except myself. Oh yeah, and I had friends.

The crying I did, on what seemed like a daily basis, was because of bullshit going on at work. Not because of the fucked up family issues. Which is the reason the tears are falling now.

I hate that whenever ma has a bad day at work, it's taken out on us. I'm sorry that her work sucks and there's nothing she can do about it. But it's not my goddamn fault your shit is fucked up. I'm fucking sorry that I have money to spend. Would you like me to start paying all the bills? I will. But then no, you'll feel bad for "making your daughter pay for stuff she shouldn't have to." When I get my own place I'll have to pay for everything on my own. It won't be as simple in Florida as it was in Arizona.

I hate that I can't just leave like I did when I was 18. This time I have nowhere to go. And I'd rather sit at home crying than out on the street crying. Even if I had my license I'd need to get permission because it's not my car. But since I don't have my license the only way to get around by myself is by foot. We live too far away from anything for me to walk there in the dark, by myself.

I only have two people who I can call to talk to about this, but I wouldn't want to bother them with my problems. So I sit here and resort to my computer. I talk to no one. I have no one.

My day started out not-so-good, got better for a couple hours and now it's just been shot down the drain. There's almost no way for it to get better.

Wouldn't the people at work be shocked. The happy, smiling, friendly person they know is a person who suffers from depression, gets pissed off/cries easily and has violent tendencies {quite literally; sometimes I really do want to stab/punch/hurt someone.}

If I could have the lifestyle I had in Tucson with the job I have now, I'd be happier. But I apparently can't have both. No, it doesn't work that way.

It's times like these that I wish I hadn't stopped cutting.

*hugs tightly*
everything will be alright. I think you'd be less depressed as you are now when you move out of there. Until then, I guess you'd have to bear with it. We'll be here to listen to you when you're down.
Everyone have their down days, I actually have a very emo entry to post but I decided to keep it till later because I think the entry was heavily influenced by unbalanced hormones.
» Nuttz on 2008-01-13 05:10:50

Don't ever go back to cutting. Sometimes i feel its a last resort for myself.. but it's never worth it. Things will get better dear. Your not alone. You've got Monkey and the ones you work with. This isn't the end.. just a rough spot. I'll pray for you babe
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