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watching: We don't have a TV here... Lame, huh?
listening to: Kids playing outside
mood: Satisfied

Don't you just love Burnadette Peters? She's so incredibly woman.

Well... I've been messing around a bit with my blog. Do you think it looks okay? I actually like it. But it looks very similar to my old xanga. Which makes me very happy. Cuz I loved the layout. But now I can have this layout, and the better site. I'm real glad I have that reading room... Maybe I'll put in some of my old poetry that I used to write. That would be ultimately cool.

* Sigh* I miss Nick, yet again... Still... I can't ever get him off my mind. I mean, I usually think about him a lot, but... More so now. I can't wait to get back to him. Yesterday I was talking to this guy named Joe. He's pretty nice. Kinda creepy. Kinda a perv sometimes. He has spinabifida. We got to talking yesterday, cuz he just randomly IM'd me on yahoo. And he said I was cool to talk to cuz he could talk about his body without holding back and I didn't judge him based on it. And *GASP* I understood what he was saying. Wow... That Human Anatamy and Physiology crap I took in High School payed off. He has a hole in his lumbar 5 vertebrae, no muscle beneath his knees, and no control of his bowels or bladder. How sad! So of course I'm nice to the guy. Not because he's disabled though... Because he's a person. But then after we talked all about his life and his family and his body, we got to talking about mine. I told him everything. My family situation, why I dropped out of school, how I'm going for my GED, then I want to take college courses this summer. Even if I have to bus my ass to Auburn on city transportation. Which, by the way, I will. I told him about my friends too. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I was like, "Yea! I'm pretty much on cloud 9 right now. I've just started dating my best friend." And he was like, "That's exciting, not everybody is lucky enough to be with the person who means the most to them in the world." I was like, "Yup, guess I'm not everybody." Then I told him the whole story of how Nick and I came to be. Then he made me think of something I've never even thought of or worried about before. Joe goes, "So... If this Nick guy has cheated on previous girlfriends before... And he cheated on that Hannah girl with your step sister, and then claimed in the days afterward that he likes your sister... What is to stop him from cheating on you and hurting you as he's hurt the others before you?" That completely stopped me dead in my tracks. I just kinda sat there and stared at the screen. He kinda burst my bubble, ya know? I don't even want to believe for a second that Nick would ever do that to me. Even John (My cousin, but I call him Bubba) said I'm different from all his other girlfriends. But what if Bubba also said that to the other girls? What if Nick truly is over me and actually likes Sher. What if he'll cheat on me? I mean, there's always been that slight worry in the back of my head, but only because I've already been cheated on numerous times before. I just kinda pushed that thought out of the way with Nick. I never wanted to believe that he's capable of hurting me. But he is, and I have to remember this. Everybody is capable of hurting everybody else in some way. That doesn't mean it will happen, but it is a possibility. I can't go into this completely noncholant and nieve to the fact that he's cheated on girls before. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." But is that truly true? Can't a person change? Will a person change? Will Nick change? Will I change for Nick? I don't need my heart broken again. I don't need to be hurt again. Neither does Nick though. I can't screw up either. But now that Joe said that, I can't get it out of my head, it's all I can think about. Not like I don't trust him... I could see him walking down the street with some girl and really not care. I trust him. But... Should I trust him? I want to. I have to. That's what relationships are based on. If we can't trust one another, there is no relationship. I need to stop overanalyzing things. I need to quit letting what others say, get to me. I don't believe Nick is even capable of having a thought about cheating on me. Lord knows, I wouldn't ever cheat on Nick.

*Sigh* I've managed to confuse and overwhelm myself all in the process of writing this entry. I'm leaving.