listening to: Sparta - Tensioning


I woke up at 5:30 this morning to get a decent start to the day. It takes a good hour and a half for me to fully wake up. Gotta go to work in about 50 minutes and I'm not looking forward to my 11 hour shift. 11 hours of sitting on my ass doing nothing. I have a lot of medical records that needs destroying so it will either be shredding paper (...) or reading The Dharma Bums. Friday is payday, but its only Saturday and that means a full week until I do get paid. I need to make coffee. As drug free as I am trying to keep myself, nicotine and caffine seem to be the only two things that are keeping me sane... Though lately I've been longing to get high. Or maybe just a hit even. I don't care. Anything to settle my head. I've been spinning in circles and now its time to throw up.

(Forty minutes and counting). I feel good this morning though. I went out to smoke a cigarette at the crack of dawn. It's been a really long time since I've watched the sun go up. Lately I've been thinking its time to get the hell out of here. Nothing is the way I wanted it to be. I guess I'm whining, but when you gotta to, you gotta go. I can't really just go either. Go where? What am I going to do? How will I sustain my life? I figure once I get my LVN, I can go where ever the wind blows me, but that's not for another year and I don't want to wait that long. I guess I just need a vacation. I could go wherever I wanted for a week or so. I could buy myself a plane ticket to some place. Well, not right now since my balance is dwindling. That's fine. My next check will be fat because I'll have worked an extra twenty hours. I should have said yes to working Sunday. I would have made $240 from the three days I did a full day.

Sparta's new CD comes out on Tuesday. I'm going to buy it as soon as I can get myself to best buy because I got the advance off soulseek on Friday and I know I have to buy it. It is that good. I guess I'll have to buy Wiretap Scars too because I've never had that CD. I always wanted to steal Randi's copy, but hers was scratched to shit. I wonder what happened to Randi. I haven't heard from her in -what? a month? I've finally just given up. I don't know what I did, if anything. So what if she slept with my best friend and gave me no explanation, right? I never dated her. We've always been friends. What the hell? So she just disappears on me? I guess I meant that much to her. Its good to know you were nothing to someone. I dunno, that's just frustrating. I get the impression of being the laughing stock of everyone. So I dare not leave my house anymore. There's no point to going out with my friends. The only person I care to hang out with is Nick. At least his kid brother doesn't try to tag along with us to the parties. At least that way I can completly avoid Cassandra. That girl makes me sick. I never should have fucked around with her. Ugh... Now I really need to throw up. There always is someone you'll regret having sex with.

Last year was fun. The summer was great. Aurora was fun and irritating and frustrating, but we had laughs, we got high, we got drunk and I banged on drums like I knew what I was doing (which I didn't). I dated Camille and she was... well she was great but I had my own head so far up my ass that it just wouldn't work out. So I let her go. I think about her from time to time. Just want to know how she is and how life is treating her. I've been such a dick to her since we broke up that we don't talk anymore. There's nothing I wouldn't give to take back all the mean things I've said and done to her because she didn't deserve any of it. But what right do I have now to drop a bomb in her lap when she's moving on?

I had the same situation with Brandi. We've been over for soo long now, but she's my fucking other half. There's no doubt in my mind about it. But again, she's moving on and just because I'm having problems doesn't mean I should drop it on her head. I had no right for writing the last letter to her and now I'm afraid she'll never talk to me again. Thanks for the advice. You're only out to ruin me. I was certain of that the moment I knew you.

"I'll take you off my buddy list bitch! I hope you get a virus, you and your computer!"
-How High

hehe

and it ends... from a scream to a whisper. can you free me from this world and let me forget?

-"Tensioning"

Reminds me of Cataract on Wiretap Scars. Same beautiful crying guitars. Anyways, twenty minutes left and this is getting lengthy.

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