it has been 3 weeks since airborne course. and i have returned to pasir ris camp awaiting my signal course to start all this while. during which time, i haven't been doing anything much except for morning pt, den eat, slp, eat slp, the whole day..with the occasional saikang here and there.
recently tho, i have started to find tt life is really getting meaningless. i seemed to have lost my direction for life; goals, dreams, fr before all seem to have evaporated into thin air..i really dunno what i want. im lost.
when i first entered army, i was full of enthusiasm. i wanted to be an officer, and mayb sign on if i did get to be one. however, my first bmt was screwed up by dengue. i went on to become a weapon technician for 4 months. and when i got posted back to commandos, i was full of hope once again, but then again, i did not make the cut to leaders course, much less ocs. instead, im in signals. seems im really nt a leader. nvm tt. time and again, i have thought abt signing on, but now, i have decided nt to, coz i've come to hate the regimentation and all the infighting in the saf. i juz want to serve and fuck off, and go back to my civilian life after my ns term.
now, with one year left to ord, im still lost on wad i want for my future. with the army career dream gone, i'm left with stepping out into the society and joining the rat race. something tt i aint really looking forward to either. as for uni, i cant get into nus, ntu, or smu..not with my fucked up grades. sim is my only other option, but i dun have the money for it..nt even if i start saving my cdo pay from now. perhaps enough for one semester, but nth more. and even if i did get to uni, i still dunno wad course of study i wan to take up. the logical choice would be to continue in mktg, my major in poly. but after 3 years in poly, and without anything really fantastic to show for my mktg studies..it is once again a qn mark.
really, im lost. i dunno wad i want to do. even if i do, i dun have the means to accomplish it. till now, i haven't found my polestar yet. ken once said tt im a late bloomer, and such ppl are bound to be the successful ones, once they find their polestars. however, im beginning to doubt tt also. haiz.
U r what u r Ang sia aei, u r rite. U r searching for ur polestar. But all of us r also searching for it. So there's no need to feel lost. I agree that sometimes all of us just suddenly have this "lost" feelings. But i always felt that out in e big sea, we r just a small boats guided by e stars in e sky. But remember that there are also alot of small boats out there guided by the stars. So u r nv alone.
Late bloomer or not, i believe everyone had e chance to succeed. Cos everyone has their own view of "succeed".
Ciaoz~
» Tu lan meng (202.156.2.35) on 2006-05-07 11:45:52
leader doesn't need ocs, not all from ocs are leaders either. study more, good investment. student loans.
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