I can�t sleep.
I just toss and turn and end up wondering around my extremely tiny apartment. I know there are many people I can turn to, talk to, cry to. But I can�t�I know what they will say and nothing anyone can say will make me feel better. In fact I am a little afraid that I will just be rude to people for saying clich� things to me.

I am angry. No�furious. And I am terrified because it�s at God.
How can he do this? I mean I really feel that my family has been through enough this year, how much pain can he expect one family to endure.

I am so freaked out by literally seeing the elders of my family falling to pieces, acting brave just long enough to push back the tears.

My PapPap was not the greatest with his health, and he decided to have DNR in his medical record. He was older. It sucked when he died�more than I thought it would, I still remember Colleen hugging me in my room while I fell into a million pieces.

Stretch was and old chubby doggie, it was sudden and it hurt. But in the long run he was a dog.

Nana was the worst�seeing her was torture. Watching my dad try to work through it broke my heart, seeing my Uncle cry was hell. I cried more than I think I have ever cried. Every 15 minutes it seemed I cried out a gallon of tears.

But never once did I ever get mad at God, I�m not overly religious. I would rate myself as average.

But now�now�it�s not fucking fair. It�s ridiculous, it�s disgusting.
My cousin�.my baby cousin� the one person I really feel a connection.
Has cancer.
I can�t even type it without nearly breaking down. I mean�. He looks great all the tests are coming back great�apart from the cancer, he�s totally healthy. And he starts chemotherapy Wednesday�.
Oh my God this sucks it�s so doesn�t make sense. I want so much to stay up beat and know that everything will be okay. He�s young and healthy�.

But I am terrified. I don�t want anything bad to happen to him or my family. I just want all this horrible stuff to leave us alone. I can�t deal with losing someone again�

I don�t know what I would do�. I don�t know if my family could survive.

eh?? ur baby cousin got cancer?? this is my first time hearing that baby could get cancer.
» renaye on 2008-09-13 11:59:12

i'm so sorry. that's why i couldn't say anything on the phone when you'd talk about it.. i knew nothing could help. but i tried, i know it's got to be tough and i know it's hard losing someone close to you that's around your age. i wish i could do more, i wish i could just make all the pain go away, but i know i can't. but if you ever need me, you know i'm here and you have my phone number.
» ThisCharmingMan on 2008-09-15 08:39:16

Oh man, cancer is such a bad thing.

My cousin, she had cancer when she was 7.. ever since, she's had over 20 surgeries, & shes the only one who survived the cancer she has out of 4....

I hope all goes well with your baby cousin..
» ShaShaBoo on 2008-09-18 12:29:56

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