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Jon?

Memory
Wednesday. 11.8.06 9:06 am
her: Why do you sound so nervous?
him: 'Cause.. I'm scared.
her: Of?
him: That I'll mess this up..
her: Don't worry. You won't.

That was three years ago.

A little more than three weeks have passed since she confessed her thoughts concering marrying her son's surrogate father. Because she sometimes reads my nutang, I didn't want to write anything down here.

A lot has happened since then... At first I decided to keep my thoughts concerning how I felt to myself. I didn't tell her that I still believe in all the things we said over the past seven years about being soul mates and marriage. Didn't tell 'er about my plans to have a four day school week next semester so I could spend the weekends with her, or about my week off in december and the decision I had made to drive up to see her. I did not tell her that a part of my heart, if not all, would always have her name engraved all over it and wanted to know if she felt the same. Til last week.
She told me she did.

She doesn't know if shes going to marry him. All she knows is that she loves him, she loves her son, he loves her, he loves her son, and I'm 300 miles away and haven't had the time, or the will, to visit since summer. And she and I both know that if she does marry him then she'd have a real family for her son to grow up in sooner than if she were to wait for me to get the seven-eight years of college over and done with. And I know that no matter how much she may love me, and no matter how long we've had it in the back of our heads that we're meant to be together and that everyone else we date were the prologue to the novel we were to write, she has to do what is best for her and her son, and right now it ain't me. And I can't expect her to wait another seven years until I get out of law school.

I'm trying my best to move on. I was with this new girl just last week at a group study session and she invited me back to her place when we were done. I went, we talked for a good hour and a half, sitting side by side on her couch, just the two of us. And this girl would be almost perfect for me. Shes really smart and I believe she is studying Political science and African American studies. She even wants to go to UC Berkely Lawschool, like me. Last but not least, shes beautiful.

But I made the mistake of looking her in the eye, and what I realized when our eyes met made my stomach turn. I realized that if she says ' I do, ' and I'm here 17 hours away, then for the rest of my life whenever I look another woman in the eye, and I mean really Look, I'm going to remember the way she looked at me after our first kiss that made me tremble.

As for the new girl... I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I can feel the weight of her stare when I walk past and I sense all her questions that linger in the air. I want to tell her... something. Not sure what. I'll tell her I suck at life or something.


her: tell me what I want to hear.
him: Uh.. um.. okay.. bye?
her: Aww. That's not it.
him: Mm.. I love you.
her: Do you?
him: Yeah.
her: Well.. I'm in love with you.
Recommended by 9 Members
Dilated Helena stlcardsgal86 jen merrick CDJno1 hurricane Standard TheDailyDish
33 Comments.


Welcome Back Dilated & Thanks For the Share, Truely!
I hear you my NuTang Bud, I feel you. Ug, you do not suck at life, life sucks. And right now 4 u Dilated, life sucks big time. One True Love, One True Soul Mate sadly can never mean One True life together 4 ever. Circumstances happen, heck I'll just sayi t, 'shit happens'. Years later, many a True Love have been know to reunite again as Life Tides Turn & change, then - even at old age - these Two at last share theirs lifes together, as it was meant to be. For other, the Opportunity sadly never arrives, even for 2nd chances. Is it true of reincarnation? I know not. If there is such a thing, than true lovers will truly meet again. Still that is no guarantee circumstances will be different. The only truth is One must take the time to heal the wounded heart or One will never be able 2 get on with life. As of New, tell her the truth, you are healing & can make no promises. Don’t rush Dilated, time will take it’s natural or intended course. Then one day you will look back on all this, and still remember that first True Love kiss and you will still tremble because that is a memory no one or time or damned circumstances can ever erase. It is yours to cherish 4ever. The pain though will ease with time. 4 Now heal my dear NuTang Bud, heal, curse, shout, cry, you earned it.
» JMC on 2006-11-08 10:16:01

Ps kindly read my profile About me
May this help you also. Cause to me, you are a True Survivor!
» JMC on 2006-11-08 10:18:45

well I'm not really trying to move on
I just don't want to move on....I haven't completely lost hope yet
» Rip-Tide-Prophecy on 2006-11-08 11:17:38

like 10 miles south
» darthkaylee on 2006-11-08 03:51:18

Whoa..
I read this while listening to the song Waiting For Goodbye by Amity Lane and whew...together they made me want to cry. I guess the closest thing to good advice that I can give is for you to see what she decides to do. And if she decides to go for the father...then perhaps you can give in to the stares of the new girl. And maybe this new one is truly the right one but you're blinded by the current happenings. Best of luck to you in whatever happens. Keep us posted. Keep listening to all advice including your heart's. Let her make her decision. Then give your head a rest and listen very closely to your heart.
» etheracide on 2006-11-08 09:01:52

Wow.
Seems to be a difficult situation. I really can't offer a solution or any real advice, I just want to express my empathy.

I hope that everything works out for the best.
» alexsedotcx on 2006-11-08 09:49:37

Woah. I read this while not listening to anything and it made me want to cry.
You do not suck at life. Life sucks at you.

Why doeslove have to be so overwhelming? It takes over everything, even your fingers and your toes.
» sarah on 2006-11-08 10:16:57

I do enjoy it, but it's my senior year. I'd play in college, but I'm not nearly good enough.
» dis1girl on 2006-11-09 02:53:16

I hope you have a lot of fun going back home on Thanksgiving.
» Princess_00 on 2006-11-09 10:26:10

Wow. Did a little reading of previous entries. Hang in there friend.

I'll abstain from other cliche "it'll get better" comments, since I can't honestly tell you how it will turn out, but I will say that I've been in a place like that before so, I feel your pain.

Again, hang in there.
» Praetorian on 2006-11-09 12:34:56

No,
I work in a pizza place and when you hit your arm against the 500 degree oven door it leaves a mark like that.
» LostSoul13 on 2006-11-09 11:05:48

No clue.
About whether I'll stick around. I plan on it, but I'm pretty mercurial.
» DarkDragonKnight on 2006-11-10 12:11:55

=]
why what do u mean by that ^_^
» Jinaiah on 2006-11-10 01:31:39

Wow
our writing styles are so different.
I cram all of my thoughts into esoteric, symbolic and abstract sentences and then make silly poems about them. I just that has to do with how I am an absurdist... But thanks for calling it brilliant.
» monkeymeister on 2006-11-10 02:16:06

*hugs*
» jen on 2006-11-10 10:49:30

for sure.
i love all their songs.
» Cher_lyn on 2006-11-10 08:08:07

weclome back, but a question:
what did you mean when you said you didn't care about PDA till recently? recently? what changed your mind?
» middaymoon on 2006-11-12 10:32:36

thanks for the back up
sorry, i mostly skimmed your entry. don't be offended. i did get the gist of it, however. sorry about the way you feel
» middaymoon on 2006-11-12 11:44:32

thats tough. makes me wanna believe in sappy romance movies.
» merrick on 2006-11-13 08:31:14

break's over?
ack. jon. this entry makes me umm.. apprehensive. and your background picture just makes things even worse.

i can't say what i want to because then it's public. ah fuck, and i think little man is waking up. so i'll call you tonight
» caitlin (152.163.100.74) on 2006-11-13 01:22:27

ah love,
so bitter sweet. but it's love nonetheless.
» little-b on 2006-11-13 10:03:54

That is a joke..
I was joking about Jesus being gay because he was not. He was neither celebate nor gay. He was married. We were brought here to replenish the earth and we cannot do that unless man and woman are united. Jesus was the only begotten son, chosen by God himself. Why would God ask him to break one of his own rules? My opininion about gays and lesbians stand though. Who are we to judge someone else?

» kkama67 on 2006-11-14 06:11:54

I feel for you. My boyfriend was 300 miles from me when we first met. Because we decided to move in together right away and forget about what the "right" or "smart" thing to do was we've had a very hard road. It's been well worth it though and honestly except for a few mistakes and hurt feelings I wouldn't change what I did. I hope the choice you make is the right one for both of you. It may not be the smart or sane thing to do, but as long as it's something done that you will never have a regrete from then it will always be right. I've never had a regrete of making my choice and I hope you never have one with yours. :)
» Katrina on 2006-11-14 06:30:39

3rd person
Yes, Katrina does sometimes refer to herself in third person. This happens a lot when Katrina is telling a story about an embarrassing moment in her life. Katrina hopes this will throw people off and won't realize Katrina in the story is Katrina. XD
» Katrina on 2006-11-14 06:48:10

: (
» of_your_mind on 2006-11-15 12:02:12

of course we have books on the old days. we have books on the old days and books on the new days.
we've books on cats and books on trains...
and more.



» Ajibalaji89 on 2006-11-15 05:38:18

wow. if you truly are soul mates then you will come together again. thanks for the comments on my girls. i know longer think the possium is cute either.
» pheebes4life on 2006-11-15 08:42:57

English?
Why do you ask? Because my grammar sucks on my entries? XD That's mostly because I don't pay much attention when I'm venting, I guess. >>; And then I look back and find it's horrendous. Sorry.
» bilingual on 2006-11-15 09:28:06

yes we are together
not just an infatuation.. 4 yrs ago was an infatuation. i like ur background.
» marymary on 2006-11-20 09:00:54

hey since you are going to be in town this week/end and i AM in town this week/end... we should chill. And with Jess too. She says, "HI!! I love you endlessly!"

yeah, and I say that too.


» of_your_mind on 2006-11-21 10:12:56

hahaha!
yayayay, problem solved!


thank you!
» Chloefoxx on 2007-01-17 12:06:11

Aii.. reading that last part left me speechless. Cheers to the bittersweet aftertaste of love and the sorrow which our hearts harbor.
» Phoid_hearted on 2007-01-23 10:09:55

YES, this intelligible message
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» Sherwood (110.136.190.157) on 2010-09-03 04:06:08

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