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Jon?

And this time could mean goodbye
Saturday. 7.30.05 1:38 am
" I wish I could carry
Your smile in my heart "

She was smiling so much yesterday.

Two days ago. It's past 1 AM now, but it doesn't feel that way.

She smiled so much though.. when she saw me. I'm glad I had waited til thursday to suprise her, instead of just telling her earlier in the week. SHe had no idea that I was going to come and see her.. she still thought I hated her.



I never hated her. Even when she hurt me, I never hated her. Throughout all the BS, I could never hate her.. I didn't like her for awhile, couldn't stand hearing her voice or knowing she was nearby.. not 'cause I was revulsed as she thought, but because I just couldn't stand the sight of her.

Not with me.

Not needing me, or wanting me close as I did her. When I'd see her in the halls, coming my way, my first thought was to go up to 'er and wrap my arms around the girl. I never did though.. which may have alot to do with why we fell apart..

My second thought, the one that won, was to look at 'er for ahwile and let her look back at me, and then turn around and go the other way. I remember the hurt in her eyes, the way shestarted to come after me til she remembered who she had standing beside 'er. Didn't need me anymore. Had someone new.

She says she didn't replace me. But that image played in my mind many many times even before I realized that she had indeed chose him over me. He was her boyfriend, I was just a friend.

Nah, not just a friend. You hang out with friends on the weekend and see movies and talk about crapola. With us, it wasn't that. I can recall one time that we went out on the weekend with a lot of other people.. i didn't talk to much of any of 'em, barely spoke with her that night. That's how it was alot with me..

I always like one on one goings. Putting all my attention on one person, and having the same in return, and thats what we had for awhile. Before school started each morning, I'd wait for her and we'd walk for awhile, and talk. Though the halls were always crowded with the different people wearing their different stereotypical facades, I was starting to take mine off. It didn't completely come off til she killed my soul, so I guess I do owe her a thank you for that.

I didn't even get to what happend yesterday. Save that for another entry.
Recommended by 1 Member
Dilated
13 Comments.


heyyy=)
I jus thought this was pretty sweet entry. It reminds me of things and I dunno, I jus like it. =) and also, ur background is super cute.
» Manda103 on 2005-07-30 11:09:41

"Though the halls were always crowded with the different people wearing their different stereotypical facades, I was starting to take mine off. It didn't completely come off til she killed my soul, so I guess I do owe her a thank you for that." That's my favorite part. I really enjoyed reading this, and you seem like a sweet guy. Continue writing because I'd love to read more of your posts. xoxox
» juiCyy on 2005-07-30 09:04:19

Jay Chou? Did you know the name Jay frightens me?
Good might've come mine out of the whole Michelle situation, but mostly it was things were broken because of her. And I don't think you ever had a stereotypical facade. Yeah,you tried to put on a mask when it came to certain things. But it never had to do with typical stereotype sorta things. Not that I'm aware of anyway. -- Um, and I love you.
» toni on 2005-07-30 11:06:57

Oh God
... Reading my comment again made me realize that I really need to learn how to type.
» toni on 2005-07-30 11:09:56

this entry hit me in a strange place. In high school I had a similar situation only I was in the girl's position. He would see me in the hall and turn around and walk the other way... it made me feel so hollow inside, like he was a ghost of our friendship that I had ruined and he was haunting me for it. Thankfully we eventually worked things out and are friends again, but it's always just a little weird, isn't it... I wonder how many little moments there are like that in a high school during one day that make two people feel like their hearts are being ripped out and but that nobody else around them even notices. You have a very powerful way of phrasing things.
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YOOOOOOOOOOO!
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