Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a choice. It’s like everyone’s looking down at me and I’ve got no where to go. People say that’s the way life is, but should it really be this hard? I’m only young but I’m dealing with so much more than the normal teen should be. It’s like a constant battle with myself, everyday, every second. Some morning’s I can hardly face myself in the mirror. I honestly sometimes just can’t stand the person staring back at me. Well, that’s the normal teenager for you, right? No. The pain I feel goes so much deeper than that. I can be smiling and be having the time of my life but still question if the smile on my face and the laughter coming from my mouth is real.

It’s moved so far past trying to impress people and trying to fit in. I’m no longer trying to live up to other peoples standards; I’m trying to live up to MY standards. It’s impossible some days. I don’t know why I do it to myself; I’m still as of right now trying to find an answer. But like many things in my life, answers don’t come easily.

Everything I hold dear gets violently ripped away from me. There is no sympathy from people. “You fall down, you get back up. It’s the way of life”. Someday maybe I’ll really be able to understand that, but as for now I don’t. When I lose something, it’s like falling into a hole. You’re alone, Faceless to the world. If I where to lose blood every time someone in my life has left me, I wouldn’t be alive.

There is no one to catch me at the bottom of this cliff, there are no helping hands to wipe away my tears and tell me that it’s okay. I’ve got one person in the whole world to help me, and that’s me. I am the only hope I need. I’ve learned in my short amount years here in the world, that you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. People are cruel. That’s the honest truth.

If I could say my true opinions on why I make the actions I make, I would. But I really can’t. The only thing I can really say is that I have been let down in life. By authority, by my role models, by my best friends and the people I love. It’s an unfair thing, you know. I feel like I’m beating cheated out of the days of my life that should be the best.

And sometimes, well, most of the time, ‘talking’ things out doesn’t get me anywhere. I don’t get why I can’t just let go of this constant pain. I want to grow up; I want to make unforgettable memories. I want to live, because I have never really lived before. I want to wake up every morning and not have to think of all the stupid and unforgettable actions I’ve made. I can’t go back; I can’t re-do these last 2 years of my life.

I'm not trying to get your sympathy and I'm sorry if it seems that way. I just wanted to vent how I feel. And that is the purpose of this journal.

YOU'RE RIGHT
people are cruel and life is unfair...but, you have meeeeee=)
» Manda103 on 2005-04-27 07:53:19

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