May is so fucking hot. I swear she's like the only asian chick that I have ever been really attracted to. I really did fall in love with her back when I was younger. Back when I didn't realize that I was into girls. Heh. I still remember writing a poem about her and she asking me if I was a lesbian. I should have known then. Even after all this time, my stomach still flutters when I see her. It's weird. I never hated her for hurting me. Of course, she didn't do it intentionally. I never hated her for not giving me what I wanted. I never hated her for not returning anything. To this very day, I would still be there for her. If she ever needed any help, I would help her. My parents hated her so much. They always thought she was a bad friend. And they couldn't understand why I let her use me. But I never really saw it that way. I was just there to help. Candice is right. I do fall for the tortured souls. Ohh, but how badly it hurt. The things I did for that woman. She awakened me to the horrors of life. She changed the course of my entire life. She made me see the reality of it all.

Priscilla, ahh, sweet Priscilla. If it wasn't for her, I have no idea where I would be right now. Probably my still cold apathetic self that never let anyone in. The first person that I ever felt a deep connection with who was just as selfless with her love as I was. She was the person that was there when I really needed her. She saw the darkest side of me. Had to deal with all my shit, and survived through it. Yay. With her love and kindness, she taught me how to care and love again. The first person that I could be myself around. That I could let my guard down with.

And of course, the infamous Candice. The one who stole my heart away. Ohh, how my life has changed, how I have changed because of her. I don't even have words to describe how she has changed me. I love her. I wish I could be the person that she wanted right now. I wish I could be there to hold her. And I'm so scared that she'll find that person, and I'll be left heartbroken. Heh. At the same time all I wish is for her happiness. I want a relationship with her, but I don't want a long distance one, but I do. I do but I don't. I do because I'm totally in love with her, I don't because it's a long distance relationship and it'll just be fucking hard. I don't because I don't want her to wait for me, but I do because I do want her to wait for me. I'm always at this constant war with myself. I hate it. It drives me insane. It's like I have to choose between either me or her. And I choose her. I wish it was returned. But it's not, and it probably won't be, and I'm not really expecting it to be, and yet I still have hope, and I'm just that kind of person. And I don't know.

It's a battle that I always fight. It's a battle that I've become use to.

It's a gift and a curse.

My greatest strength and my greatest weakness.

My rising and my downfall.

That's something I know will never change, because it is who I am.

I do not understand
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» Simon (119.167.219.78) on 2010-09-04 06:42:39

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