It's strange how Candice can make me feel more guilty about skipping school more than my parents ever could. I know why too. It's because she can relate, and after hearing her talk about regretting it, it just hit me. Hard. Actually, I only felt guilty for about 2 seconds okay maybe longer than that. But now I'm just upset with myself.

I finally realized what I've been doing to myself. And I feel miserable about it because how can I be soo fucking stupid? I know the reason why I always set myself up for failure. I know why I skip school and am constantly trying to sabotage my future. If I don't stop now, it's going to be too late. There isn't going to be a second chance. And whatever happens after I decide to fuck up even more, is only going to fuck me up even more.

There was something that Candice said last night that really hit me and really clicked something in my head. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be good at everything I do. It's the challenge that helps people grow and become stronger. And I can't continue to run from it.

I have bits and pieces as to why I do the things I do. It has something to do with perfection and seeing the disappointment and displeasure in people's eyes when they realize that I'm not perfect at what I do, but they expect me to be perfect because everything else I ever tried at I was "perfect" in.

After one fall, I just kept on falling because I couldn't stand to see the looks that were in people's eyes. Especially my parents. And it came to the point where I just kind of gave up. I did give up. And my mindset was like..."It's better not to try..than try and fail." Heh.

It's my dad, the beatings, the abuse, the words, everything that has made me who I am today. And I'm not blaming him, I'm just stating the facts. It's why my mind is so scrambled and fucked up. But i can do something about it. I have to do something about it or else I'm just going to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

I need to stop running.

I don't have to be perfect at everything I do.

Candice has no idea what those words mean to me.

Wow. I feel better.

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» Jonathon (124.160.110.242) on 2011-07-09 10:51:37

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