You know somethings on my mind when I decide to skip lunch to pour out my thoughts and feelings before they explode in my bloody head. No, it's really not all that bad, but I just need to think, and when I write i can't think cause my hand can't write as fast as I think, so yeah. Typing is a lot easier and I have more time to analyze my thoughts. But I only have like 10 minutes. Shit.

Anyways, so it seems like I haven’t told Priscilla about me possibly being interested in being a slave. LoL. I told her yesterday, and it was really cool to hear her reaction. She said she didn’t understand why anyone would want to put themselves through that. Last night I was thinking, when I was Bettie’s sub, I started asking myself what love meant to me. Or what it is to me or whatever. I still don’t know. I’m just typing out my thoughts. And today I was like, “Dude, could I actually see myself in a vanilla relationship?”

I mean, to me, the best thing to give someone is your love. But love to me is different I guess. Well, not different. But, oh, I don’t know how to explain it. In a D/s relationship it takes an extraordinary amount of trust. Candice said that a slaves purpose in life is to please their Mistress/Master..whatever. But I see it differently. Not so different, but yes, their purpose in life is to please. But for me, at least, it goes far beyond that. To me it’s love. It’s love that makes you want to please them. To give yourself up entirely for them. It goes deeper then just the pleasure, humiliation, whatever….it…can’t be explained.

And I really can’t see myself in a vanilla relationship. Honestly, it doesn’t have the same affect. It really kind of sucks that I feel this way. Oh I don’t know. Time to go to class.

For once, I’m actually glad that there is school to keep my mind occupied.

There is a certain amount of love in it, on both sides. When i said the slaves purpose in life was to please her/his misstress/master i didn't mean that drive comes soley out of their masochistic impulses. Mostly from what i have expirienced it's a product of complete trust in another person, a feeling of complete saftey and honesty and love. In the best D/s relationships the D also feels the same, despite the pain/humiliation aspects the D has to have the same trust loyalty and devotion to her slave to ensure that she is getting the most out of every aspect of it, to ensure that when it's over for the moment she doesn't broken and hurt, but powerful and strong and beautiful because she managed to break through boundries that she never knew were even there, or to face things that she would normally run away from. In my expirience a D/s relationship isn't about completely losing yourself, it's more about pushing and testing yourself. That's how it should be anyway. Doing something like that to lose yourself, with someone who doesn't care about or love you can often have a dangerous outcome.
» Candice (69.105.232.183) on 2004-10-21 12:14:25

wow, i like ur background or top background...is she supposed to be a vampire?
» aznDOLLface on 2004-10-21 09:03:24

wut language is that? in the mitraa site?
» aznDOLLface on 2004-10-21 09:04:45

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