My emotions confuse me. I analyze them so much that I don't know how I feel anymore. Or maybe I'm not analyzing them enough. This second guessing myself is not helping me one single bit. Maybe I'm just really fickle. One minute I hate her the next minute I want to talk to her again just because I miss her company. The next minute I'm all bitter about the relationship and I wished it never happened. But then the next minute, I don't regret it. And then I feel hurt and betrayed and used. Well, I know I was used, but not on purpose. It's late at night and my emotions are all flooding out of me. It still hurts. And my fears are coming back. God, even though I didn't love her, I placed my complete trust in her and I did really fucking care about her, and she was the only woman that I ever really tried to please. I let her see me. I let her in. I trusted her so fucking much and I had so much faith in her. And then, she just leaves. I felt soo fucking betrayed. But I don't hate her for it. I'm just hurt. Really hurt. Really fucking hurt. I remember what it felt like when she broke down my barriers. I was so fucking scared. But instead of setting up another one, a stronger one, I let it fall, I let her in. And now I can feel is the pain and grief that comes after a relationship is over. Heh. It's taken this long for me to allow myself to feel this. It's also because I'm confused. I'm confused about my feelings for Priscilla. And I am most definitely confused about my feelings for Candice. I'm just confused. And I'm really fustrated because I am confused. And what I hate more is that I'm such a masochist (sp?) that a large part of me likes feeling confused. But I don't like feeling out of control especially when it comes to my emotions and this is probably the reason why I'm taking my time to analyze this even though I know I shouldn't because it'll just give me a reason to ignore them or something. But really, what else am I suppose to do? I don't know any other way to handle it. I'm still having doubts about me being in love with Priscilla. Granted, there are a lot of feelings that I have yet to admit to her or myself, but why does it have to be love? Yes, I can actually see us being together in the future. But I can also see us not being together. Yes, I can see us having feelings for each other, but at the present time, those feelings aren't there. They aren't the same feelings. Those feelings are strictly friendly. And I know why they are friendly, and only that. And I know those feelings can change, because well, people change. So I'm pretty sure that I am not in love with her. But I can see myself falling in love with her. Candice on the other hand. I've been telling myself that I don't like her, but I really do like her. I like her a lot. I cannot get her out of my fucking head. And it is annoying the fuck out of me because this hasn't happened in a very very very long time. It's rather scary. Ha. Plus, I don't like being hurt. Well, who does? Anyways, I know I'll get hurt. But I guess I'll be hurt more if we just stopped talking. That would be depressing, really really depressing. But I do have feelings for her and I know it wouldn't work, and it's depressing but I can't make my feelings go away. I seriously can't. And it just sucks. Oh, haha, but a part of me likes it. I feel like Mahmud. I feel like I'm back in 7th grade. I don't like her because I just want to have sex with her. Haha. I seriously just like her a lot. If I didn't like her, I wouldn't be a good listener. I wouldn't let what she said sink in. I wouldn't let her in. I wouldn't let her see me. Hell, I wouldn't let her make the way she makes me feel. It might be friendly sex for her, but it would be much more to me. And well, I don't want that. I don't want there to be strings attached, but I know I wouldn't be able to help myself because I'm just that type of person. I care and like her too much for it to mean nothing. And that fustrates me because I wanna have sex with her! LoL. But I can't. Not like this. It's rather disappointing. But who knows. My mind will most likely change by tomorrow morning. I feel a lot better now that I have this out of my system. Yay.

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