I hate talking to Chhai. I hate seeing Dao everytime I go to my school even though he really didn't do shit to me. I just hate the fact that I was so weak at the time that he would be able to convince me to kiss someone I didn't want to. But Chhai makes me feel close. Everytime he talks to me and asks me to hang out with him, I feel like he just wants to get into my pants. Which he does. It just makes me want to close off my sexual side again. It gets me to question whether a touch would ever mean anything to anyone. Or is it just something to please themselves. I hate it so much. So much. I hate him so much. I hate him for touching me when I didn't want to be touched. I hate it. I hate the way he makes me feel so dirty. I hate the way I feel so helpless and worthless when I'm around him. I hate the way I'm not able to stop him. I hate the way I keep giving him chances even though I know he's going to abuse it. I hate it when people are always pressuring me and forcing me to do shit that I don't want to fucking do, or I'm not fucking ready to do it. Talking to Candice and Chhai at the same time brought out some really bitter feelings. I really do understand how she feels about the whole waiting thing. It sucks having to wait. It sucks really bad. And sometimes I just wish that someone would wait for me instead of me waiting for someone else. Heh. I know Mariela won't. I know she wants me to do stuff to her that I'm not ready to do. And I know she's not willing to wait. Hence, the reason why I am not attaching myself to her too quickly. And it's the reason why I don't really care what happens with our relationship, at least right now I don't. After every relationship I've been in being them trying to get into my pants, I am VERY VERY fucking bitter and pissed off and angry and hateful especially after Bettie. No one really knows how much I have changed after her, no one really knows how much it hurts. I hide my pain through layers of colorful facades. I feel betrayed and used again. Now, I'm just depressed. I am going to bed.

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